By Uma Ramachandran
One of the areas of struggles for many Asian Indian couples, at least in the early stages of their marriage, has to do with their involvement with parents. Parental ties are so strong on them that even after being married and have moved out of their parental homes, it is difficult for them to achieve independence. This would be frustrating and burdensome for the newly married couples.
Some parents continue to depend on their married children for all their needs, even though they are able to manage their lives quite independently. This can bring much pressure on the married couples. Many a times, this behavior is the result of parental anxiety to let go control over their children. There are parents, who do not allow their married children to be of their own. Some parents would expect to be included in everything that their children do, and there are those, who would want to be decision-makers for their married children. These kinds of behaviors on the part of parents are really unbecoming of the married couples.
Married children must be devoted to their parents, but at the same time, they must make sure that their primary commitment to each other as husband and wife is not overlooked. The wife needs the assurance from her husband that her needs are not compromised at the expense of her -in-laws, and that her husband is fully available to her, emotionally and physically. Having established the needs and welfare of his spouse as the first priority, the husband may attend to the duties of his parents. Some negations between parents and their married children are necessary to set limits to parental obligations. Parents must be encouraged to manage their lives as independently as possible, so that their married children can focus on their own marital affairs. Between the extremes of over involvement and abandonment of parental duties, married children must find a moderate balance between filial duties and marital commitment to the building of one’s own marriage.
Practicing healthy separation from parents is a helpful skill to learn. By separation it is meant that couples take time to be alone, and to be detached from parents, emotionally and physically, so that they can experience what it means to be an independent marital unit. Time alone with each other, without the interference of parents, can help gradually build marital autonomy. Don’t be afraid to spend time alone with your spouse, and don’t be anxious to take decisions of your own; growth and maturity in marriage can come only in this way. INAV
