Reetasri Bhattacharjee looks through a kaleidoscope into Bengali weddings
AND THEN they got married. This is where most love stories would come to an end but in between there are several things that the couple cannot forget. But going past what’s personal to a couple, we cannot forget about the families getting involved, about the jubilant friends and the entire process to unite the two. And how are couples best ‘united’ in India – you guessed it right – by getting them married.
Welcome to the grand Indian wedding!
Irrespective of the financial condition of the families involved, every Indian wedding is grand. It is not always about the filmy affair, the nach-gaana or the out-of-the-world settings. Yes these things have become much a part and parcel of Indian weddings, but what actually livens them up is the enthusiasm. It would be difficult for any Bengali, Marathi, Punjabi or Tamil to say that their culture doesn’t subscribe to the grand Indian wedding norm. Every wedding is never small or big, it is irrespective of its size GRAND!
Let’s take a point of reference here and that would be a Bengali wedding. (No points for guessing why Bengali, my surname does point out the obvious). Now before I start, it is important to mention that among Bengalis there are several sub-tribes, if I could use the word, each having their cultural differences. I draw origins from the Syhlet district in Northern Bangladesh and thus a Syhleti and this should be mentioned.
Marriages are chaotic and I don’t hold negative connotations to it. There are just too many people, all talking at the same time, doing things at the same time, all listening at the same time – simply put there’s just too many people. But it is this so many people who come together that make it all so vibrant, colourful, memorable and enjoyable. And then there are so many rituals – most of which I doubt add to the ‘meeting of two souls’ but are more for fun and entertainment. Not for the bride or the groom, though. I believe (and luckily, many others also believe the same!), most of these practices were added to the marriage scene more for fun and frolic as in the olden days people had lesser means of entertainment and what could be more amusing than harrowing the bride and groom, first separately and then together!
Essentially, most Hindu marriages last four to five days – take or give a day here and there. While it is very common for the rich to make these five days into an exotic holiday, for the others, these five days are spent at home preparing. Preparations start well in advance yet time is not a very considerable friend to the family concerned. There are of course no wedding planners involved in a middle-class family wedding in most cases. Everyone is a planner and there are, let’s just say, quite a few managers too!
The first thing that both the families jump too is cleaning the house (like it was never cleaned in years). You see the bride or the groom will first enter the house and what impression would she/he have when a broken staircase or a discoloured wall welcomes her/him? Of course they will first see the broken staircase or the discoloured wall even when scores of people will be dying to see them, all at the same time! Anyway, moving on, cleaning means getting the house painted with the brightest colours, draping the doors and windows with fresh blinds, and if budget allows changing furniture too. All this sounds simple, but trust me it isn’t. It takes ages to get these things done and if you are not blessed with the right workers, God save you! You are truly in for temper. If the visits to the doctor’s chamber increases during this time please don’t be surprised, the workers are to be blamed for this. It could easily be that one day the chief worker’s right-hand man falls ill and the next day the main guy himself. In such cases all you can do is wait and pray that things get completed before the wedding.
Once the colouring and possible renovations are done, two months have already passed, and tempers start to rise real high. And there are so many things that need to be finalised. While the women folk are busy shopping, the men are deciding on the logistics. If it’s all fun and enjoyment for the women, it’s as much tension for the men. But wait a minute… am I being anti-feminist here saying this? I don’t intent do. What I really mean is that in the first phase, women take it as a fun event (only later do they get serious) while the men are always serious about what’s happening. It would be entirely wrong if I take away the credit from either gender, they both have pre-assigned jobs and they are marvellous at that.
Typically there are a million things to be done before a Bengali wedding and even then they could easily be mayhem, disorder and tempers rising. Summarising just some of the things – clothes for the bride and groom (may I add, more for the bride and less for the groom, ANYDAY), gifts for all the relatives attending the wedding, gifts for the respective bride’s or groom’s family (to be selected with utmost care, lest someone/anyone makes any objection), deciding on the menu (very important! You can’t forget about food when you even utter the word WEDDING!), negotiating with the caterer (who in all likely will never meet your expectations), and a thousand things more.
If you are from the bride’s side, the worry is even more. There is this constant pressure to impress the ‘other family’, the family that will supposedly judge everything you do and everything you say. Leaving aside the ache that the pampered girl of the family will leave in a few days, preparations go in full swing to make the ‘bor-jatri’ (the members of the groom’s family and friends) feel at home when they come to take the girl away. The groom’s family gets nothing less than the best that day.
The typical filmy dialogue ‘dekho bor eshe gechhe’ (Look, the groom has arrived) plays at almost every wedding. Suddenly the bride, who was getting all the attention all this while, is left alone so that everyone can look at the ‘jamai’ (groom). The tradition of ‘gate dhora’ (blocking the groom from entering unless he pays an amount) is fun. This is the time when both the parties rate each other on humour – some score brownie points and others… let’s just say burnt brownie points! Once the ‘bor-jatri’ enters, they are expectedly treated with care unless the time for the ‘saat paak’ (when the bride encircles the groom seven times) come.
One should never miss out this event – not because this is when the bride and groom finally are bound in matrimony but because of the cacophony surrounding it. The mandap, which among the Syhleti’s is called ‘kunjo’ is beautifully decorated. Often flowers are used to make the circular structure while paper cuttings are more common. The Syhleti tradition is slightly different from the more common Bengali rituals seen on popular medium. We make the groom sit on a princely chair in the middle of the ‘kunjo’ while the bride takes seven circles around him, stopping after every round to shower flowers on him.
As the traditional belief is, the girl has to be shy, look down, tremble and never, I say it again NEVER look up. Forget about the fact that here we are talking about a 21st century modern girl who knows the groom very well. She is assisted by her sister-in-laws who help her make the circles. Unmarried girls are not allowed inside the ‘kunjo’. However, outside the entire world (or that’s what it seems like to the bride and groom) looks at the auspicious occasion. Here everyone fights to get the best place to click the best picture, not bothering that a photographer has been assigned for the job and anyone interested can get a copy. Amidst all this begins a new confusion. ‘What were the rules, again?’ This time no one seems to be confident about the sequence of events, though everyone claims to know it. So the bride tries to decide whether to listen to sister-in-law 1 or sister-in-law 2. This is when the professional photographer comes to the rescue and coolly dictates the rules (well, he has attended more weddings than you and I have, hasn’t he?). Finally everyone agree and the ‘saat paak’ happens successfully.
Once the ‘biye’ (wedding) is done, suddenly everyone feels hungry and decide to abandon the bride and groom. They no longer seem important in the scheme of events. It is the time when the food is to be assessed (and we will not get into a monologue about it). When the time for the ‘jogya’ (a ritual burning of offerings such as grains and ghee, which is held to mark births, marriages, and other special occasions) or the actual rituals keeping fire as witness arrives, everyone is either sleepy or dead-tired. So don’t be surprised when at the ungodly hours after midnight, the bride and groom along with a handful of people are found in the venue. Please understand everyone’s sentiments.
I can keep going, elaborating on the many rituals that make the wedding complete. But I wouldn’t like to tire you like the bor-jatris, would I? Marriage is a beautiful phase of life and everyone needs to experience it once. These elaborative rituals just make the process more memorable and worthwhile.