By Fabian Lyngdoh
To have a better understanding of the present Khasi society we need to review its traditional customs which influence its collective psyche. Let us here deliberate on the Khasi concept of marriage. Khasi marriage starts from proposal and engagement which are considered only as private affairs of the Kurs. To make it also a social affair, at the night of the marriage, a mock process has to be re-enacted right from the beginning. The concept of Khasi marriage can be understood through the words spoken by ‘ki ksiang’ (marriage spokesmen), one represents the groom’s Kur and the other represents the bride’s Kur on the night of marriage. Ki ksiang are elderly men selected by each party but not belonging to the two Kurs entering into marriage.
When the groom’s party arrives at the house of the bride on the night of the marriage, u ksiang representing the bride’s Kur says, “So you have come?” U ksiang of the groom replies, “Yes I have come”. When they are inside the house, the marriage covenant commences. The words of ki ksiang are given here not literally but in concept only. In Ri Bhoi area, as soon as the groom’s party arrives at the bride’s front door, the marriage covenant first commences as follows:
The groom’s ksiang calls, “Hei! Is there anybody in the house?” The bride’s ksiang does not reply but instead enquires, “Who are you that call at night like this? Are you a good man or a nongshohnoh (bandit, thief, robber)?” The groom’s ksiang replies: “O! I am a good and respectable man asking for iing-basa (temporary lodging)”. The bride’s ksiang then invites, “O come in then you good and respectable man”. When they are inside the house, the bride’s ksiang continues, “so you have come for a temporary stay, or is there anything else in your mind?” The groom’s ksiang then reveals, “O yes, if it pleases your heart, I would also like to offer myself for the purpose of ‘yngh-kha, yngh-kurim se’ (matter of marriage). The rest of the covenant continues as follows:-
The bride’s ksiang asks, “You have come for yngh-kha, yngh-kurim: so have you come safely in peace without encumbrances from your own longkur (clan) and other longkurs too?” The groom’s ksiang replies, “O yes, from the beginning I have seriously thought and considered. I am ready, as there is no encumbrance from my longkur and other longkurs too. Everything is right and proper from head to foot”. The bride’s ksiang continues, “O yes, certainly you have come, you who are honourable, great, powerful and strong. Your role then shall be to seek, to find and to bring in wealth and my right is to receive, to save and to own; whatever you earn, big or small shall be for me. See I am weak and imperfect, I have to rely on you, and trust on you, ‘ban long u khun, ban long u ksiew’ (to bring forth children and grand children)”. This part of the covenant implies that the woman’s Kur humbly admits that it cannot reproduce its own members by itself without the gift of fatherhood from other Kurs. The groom’s ksiang replies, “Yes I agree; however, I humbly submit that yours shall be the prerogative and obligation to lead and guide; yours shall be to teach, instruct, inform and correct. I agree to seek, to find and to bring; to increase and to multiply (wealth and children). Let yours be the right to receive, to save and to own”.
By asking for ‘ka iing-basa’, the groom makes it clear that he goes to his wife’s house only in body while his spirit remains with his Kur. The Kur of the bride too, has established protective argument which the groom had affirmed that he comes free of all encumbrances. If later his ka longkur is found to be displeased, or objection is brought forth by some other Kur that he is not a free man, the Kur of the bride is absolved from all blame, taint, curse, or sin. If such a case happens the Kur of the groom shall be held wholly responsible for all complications, socially and religiously. Then the bride’s ksiang addresses the groom as honourable, great, powerful and strong. This implies that the groom is a member of an honourable Kur. He is ‘u kni’ (uncle) of his Kur, and might be a representative of his Kur in the State Dorbar. Therefore he is great and powerful in his own Kur, not that he is great and powerful in his wife’s Kur. This part of the covenant also means that the wife shall not hinder her husband from fully fulfilling his responsibility as an uncle in his own Kur.
The bride puts forth her claim that whatever earning her husband can acquire shall belong to her, and in turn she admits that it is her honour to make his stay comfortable and honourable provided that the marriage brings forth ‘u khun-u ksiew’ (children and grand children). The argument that the wife has the right to receive and to own the husband’s earnings is not as simple as it appears. In the past, almost every Khasi Kur had ‘ki phan-ki kyrpad’ (deities of well-being), especially those for economic well-being like, ka taro, ka bih, ka lasam, ka tympiam, etc. By this part of the covenant, the wife asserts her claim on the fruits of the husband’s labour and skill invested, especially in her own farm land and the household gods or goddesses of his Kur shall have no right to interfere, demand or cause evil effect in her Kur. The groom’s ksiang agrees to that condition, but likewise put forth his own protective argument that it is the duty of the bride’s Kur to lead and guide, to teach, instruct, inform and correct. This argument too is not simple, but has deep implications. Firstly, a Khasi man’s responsibility is to lead and guide his own Kur; to teach, instruct, inform and correct only on matters relating to his own Kur. It is not his social and religious obligation to teach, instruct and correct his children, but it is the duty of their uncles to do so. If children born by his seeds become criminals, it shall not be his failure as a father, but the failure of their maternal uncles. Informally, as a father he can teach, guide and correct the behaviour of his children out of love, but it is not his social and religious obligation to do that. Secondly, the concept, ‘to lead and guide, to teach, inform and correct,’ also implies the duty of the wife’s Kur with respect to the husband. The wife’s Kur should inform the husband of the family’s economic status, they should show him every plot of land and other form of property bequeathed to his wife, they should inform him of any secret of the Kur, or the deities of the Kur, the taboos existing in the Kur, the relationships the Kur has with other Kurs etc., so that he would be able to conduct himself properly and honourably in the circle of their Kur. If they fail to do so, they should not blame him as lazy or irresponsible, or as a rogue dishonouring their Kur. Certain Kurs may have mythical relationships with tigers, banana, fish, etc. Such Kurs have to inform the husbands of such facts. It happened in Ri Bhoi where a good husband was rebuked and chased out of his wife’s house for joining a hunting party and bringing home his share of tiger’s meat. But on this part of the covenant the bride’s ksiang gives no reply, and the dialogue ends only with the affirmation of the rights and prerogatives of the wife. This indicates that a husband has little rights in his wife’s house; his main purpose is only that of husbanding the woman. To provide for the welfare of his children is only as far as he can, but not his institutional obligation in spite of the covenant. As per custom, if he cannot conduct himself satisfactorily to the expectation of ka longkur of his wife, then he must leave, and honourably without regret, return to his own Kur where his spirit is. Whether this system can, or cannot be functional today is a matter of debate.