By Fabian Lyngdoh
There are many misinterpretations as well as misunderstanding about the Khasi socio-cultural and religious thought. This article shall review some aspects of the Khasi concept of marriage as it really was in the past, without glossing over facts wherever they appear ridiculous, and without demeaning them wherever they appear honourable, so that the youth of the present generation can see where they are, and set gear for the march forward. In the past, the Khasis, especially in Ri Bhoi region, constructed their residential houses with a particular design in all households, in tune with the underlying philosophy of ‘ka tipkur-tipkha’. First, there is ‘ka kyndur lait’ (front yard) from which a door opens into ‘ka kyndur jing’ (covered portico). In the covered portico there is a heavy wooden ladder leading to ‘ka tyngkong’ (front terrace) about two feet wide. From ka tyngkong, a main door leads to a big hall called ‘ka shlur’ where there is an open fireplace which is used as the common living room. On the left side of ka shlur there is a door leading to an open balcony almost equal in size to ka shlur, called ‘ka rympong’ which is used for washing and drying clothes, and to while away time in recreation during the day. On the right side of ka shlur there is an entry leading to ‘ka rympei’ in which there is a second fireplace which is the kitchen cum dining room, and also serves as the bedroom for the parents. Ka rympei is considered sacred and no one belonging to other kurs should enter into it without invitation. On the left side of ka rympei, there is a bedroom for the unmarried daughters and minor children called ‘ka kdong’, which is the inner most private and sacred room into which uncles and brothers do not unnecessarily enter. It is also in this room that their documents, ‘ki khor ki khriam’ (silken clothing), jewelleries, and other treasures are kept. There are no bedrooms for grown up sons within the Khasi traditional homes.
Young men of other kurs who want to court the daughters of a certain household would congregate at night around the fireplace in ka shlur. The girls too would venture to sit together around the fire, nursing their reproductive instinct in sweet-nothing conversations and laughter. Even though a boy and a girl may be secretly in love, ‘ka thiah shlur’ is necessary for the boy to convey message to the girl’s parents and maternal uncles on his intention, and for the girl to hint her choice. It is called ‘thiah shlur’ because it is in this room called ka shlur that the boys start to venture for obtaining their full manhood. If the girl’s parents approve their daughter’s choice, they would provide further lead by occasionally inviting that particular boy into ka rympei on the pretext of asking for his help to kill and prepare a chicken, or to dress a pig’s head for the next day’s brunch.
While the daughters of the house giggle to the boys’ romantic jokes and stories, their brothers would be visiting the houses of other kurs for similar adventure, or spend the night in ka ‘ïing khynraw’ (youth dormitory). I cannot definitely say of other areas, but in Ri Bhoi, there were boys’ dormitories in every village in the past. There is no youth dormitory for girls among the Khasis. Girls have ka shlur in their own house where they can entertain the young men of the village who visit and court them. Except when it is extremely necessary, Khasi girls cannot spend the night anywhere other than in the households of their own kur.
Various manly skills were taught to the boys by ‘ki baheh’ (mainly divorced and retired elders) in these youth dormitories. One of the purposes of ‘ka ïing khynraw’ is to provide a rendezvous from which the boys would proceed in groups or singly to the houses of the girls they would like to court, which the Khasis called ‘ka ialuh samla’, or ‘iamer samla’, or ‘thiah shlur’. The youth dormitory is also a common place where the boys can escape from home while other boys are courting their sisters. Boys from one kur visit or even spend the night in the household of other kurs during courtship. That is the exchange of opportunity for courtship which is equally open to all young men of the village and also those from outside the village. Those who do not want to visit the girls’ houses for the purpose of courtship would just remain in the youth dormitory.
If the courtship goes smoothly to its logical conclusion, and the night of ‘ka pynbuh’ (marriage) arrives, the young man shall enter with his beloved right into ‘ka kdong’, the most sacred room in the household, among their household deities and among their treasures. It is on this philosophical basis that some modern Khasi scholars have created a new popular concept concerning the spiritual journey of a human soul from worldly life to heaven as follows: “From ka phyllaw to ka tyngkong, from ka tyngkong to ka shlur, and from ka shlur to ka rympei.” But the process of a Khasi man’s marital journey does not end with ka rympei, but continues right into ka kdong, the most sacred realm of marital union, where, even the male members of the kur can rarely enter.
At the night of the marriage, a ceremony of the whole process right from courtship is re-enacted as if the man and the woman meet for the first time and agree to enter into marriage. For this purpose, ‘ki ksiang’ (marriage spokesmen), one representing the groom and the other representing the bride are employed. Traditionally, ki ksiang are elderly men not belonging to the two kurs entering into marriage. There are three reasons why the Khasis authorize spokesmen not belonging to their own kur to represent them in so important a matter as executing a marriage covenant. The first reason is because all the conditions of marriage have been thoroughly discussed and settled by the maternal uncles of the two kurs and the actual marriage covenant was already concluded in their private and informal deliberation at the engagement, and the marriage is only a formalizing ceremony before the society. The second reason is because all Khasi kurs are considered honourable and equal in status and dignity. This equality is based not on the economic or social positions of the kurs, but on the fact that each kur is an independent religious institution backed up by the spirits of its departed members, and by the justice of ka Hok. A Khasi man as an individual is called ‘u rang-tyrwa’ (man who offers himself), and the very process of the marriage covenant concerns with man offering himself as a husband to the woman of another kur. But the kur is not the ‘kur-tyrwa’. So it would be a demeaning concept if it appears that the kur as a whole is offering itself to another kur for anything, other than blessing, through the verbal commitment of ‘u kñi’ (maternal uncle). Moreover, a man cannot act as u ksiang for his nephew in the marriage covenant because it would imply that he is offering him for auction or sale, or ‘pynshong braw’ (mortgage as a slave) to the other kur. The third reason for employing ki ksiang is because the kur is consanguineous and stands as a neuter gender, and the intra-clan relationships are considered pure and holy. Nothing referring to male or female sexuality should come up to the collective consciousness or conversations of the kur members. U kñi cannot act as u ksiang on behalf of his niece because that is considered immodest. A man cannot speak anything nor do anything that refers to the sexuality of his sister or niece. If u kñi acts as u ksiang for his niece, it would be as if he is calling a man to sleep and indulge in sexual affair with her. That is immodest according to the Khasi concept. As far as possible Khasi men avoid involvement in matters referring to the sexuality of their female clan members in public. Even in the private affairs of the marriage proposal and engagement, only elderly uncles, mother and father of a girl take part in the discussion. All other younger and unmarried uncles and brothers do not bother anything, but would just go out of the house to ka ïing khynraw or go ‘thiah shlur’ to other people’s houses. So ki ksiang fulfill the purpose of safeguarding the clans’ internal modesty, as well as maintaining the equality between them in external affairs.