By Patricia Mukhim
Adults are forced to adapt to “social distancing” because there is no option. But these two words which entered our daily vocabulary in March 2020 by implication mean physically distancing ourselves from others. It is unnatural phenomenon brought about by the pandemic. Our worlds have turned upside down and one wonders how we are surviving this upside-down part of life. The impacts of physical distancing are manifold. We have discussed loss of jobs and closure of small businesses. Taxi drivers have been cooling their heels at home; those running small little shops have had to temporarily abandon their trade. Just when they were starting to believe that things are back to normal from December last year up until March this year, lo and behold here comes the second wave claiming many lives and affecting hundreds every day. Our hopes are sunk. Children are back to home schooling and that’s the part that this article will discuss.
I was having a conversation with a friend the other day. She told me that her 13-year-old daughter suddenly started howling and crying at the dining table. She told her parents, “I want to go back to school. You people have no time to sit and talk to me. I miss my friends,” and with that she started yelling out even louder. That adolescent was at least able to let out her frustrations on her parents both of who are working from home. The younger sister was aghast and looked at her elder sibling with consternation. That sort of breakdown was something she had never seen before. Her elder sister was a gregarious young lady who had a large circle of friends. And that’s the ticking point.
Experts who have been studying child and adolescent behaviour during this pandemic says that social distancing may be particularly difficult for some children and teens. As parents we have seen how important teenage friendships are. As children get older and are more socially skilled their peer group become an important hub of their social development and sometimes even more important than their immediate family.
Experts maintain that while parents worry about the impact of social isolation on their child’s social development, they are more likely to bounce back quickly if isolation only lasts a few months. But we are already in the 15th month of lockdown and it looks like schools will not be able to reopen any time soon. For kids who love to be the centre of attention of their friends, this is a lonely period. In fact, kids really need additional attention and support from parents during this time but with both parents working or with one parent (generally the mother) not having the skill to engage her children in a conversation without talking down to them, this becomes a tough call.
In tribal societies, while we were growing up, we could never have a one-on-one conversation with parents. We could never confide our secrets to them. Those were for friends and deep friendships were struck during those crucial years. Hence adolescents need to touch base with their own circle of friends. Its like medicine for their souls. It’s the adrenalin they need to energise their lives. But this whole virtual thing is smothering their souls. The inability to touch which is an important human need is what is causing all the heartburn. Not every parent, unfortunately understands this. Child psychology is a much-neglected topic in this country. And many of us had no parenting skills. We learnt as we went along. At that time there was no such thing as counselling for parents or children. Today, we are better placed and can get help from counselling psychologists if we choose to.
Development Psychologist, Amy Learmonth explains that in late childhood and adolescence, children start to strike out on their own. Friendships become more complex and more about shared interests. This is where children test out the things that will make their adult friendships work, or not. Among those relationship skills, Learmonth says kids in late childhood and adolescence are learning how to find and provide support to their friends and also developing the skills for building trust and dealing with betrayal. This is also the time when they’re usually figuring out how to form friendships with deeper roots than just proximity and play. Learmonth says they are in the process of figuring out who they are and what they want from their friends. This is why those friendships in middle school particularly can be fragile and most kids experience some isolation and heartbreak. But while those years and friendships can often be hard to navigate, they’re also crucial stepping stones to healthy adult relationships later in life. Learmonth says this type of friendship is not possible over the virtual world or by maintaining a distance of six feet or more.
While Learmonth and other development psychologists agree that a few months of lockdown will not cause any major disruptions or lasting impacts, although kids may sometimes feel lonely and need additional attention and support. But what if this social isolation stretches on for years? Experts across the board agree that a longer period of social distancing will begin to take a toll and that is when negative effects on social development would begin to develop.
Now more than ever we realise the wisdom of Aristotle, the Greek philosopher who said, “Man is by nature a social animal. Society is something that precedes the individual.” Humans have a natural craving for personal interaction, touch, novelty, and excitement. Prolonged isolation wears us all down but that impact will be felt more substantially by teenagers.
Developmental psychologist and family coach Cameron Caswell says the reason for this increased negative impact comes down to brain development. She says our brains go through their two biggest growth spurts during infancy and adolescence. These are the two periods where our brains are the most malleable and primed for learning. Caswell adds that adolescence is one of the most formative life stages, explaining that the skills developed, the beliefs formed, and the ways we perceive ourselves and how we interact with the world during this stage play a major role in defining who we become as adults.
“If our teens’ experiences are stunted during this time, if they’re short-changed on opportunities to grow, learn, and develop, I believe the impact from prolonged isolation will be greater on them,” she said. Caswell also strengthens our own understanding formed by observing our kids that while virtual interactions can be beneficial in the short term, they’re not a satisfactory substitute for real-life interactions.
We don’t need reiteration from psychologists to understand that the quality of connection and level of intimacy is not the same on the virtual world. That the energy of eye contact, of bodily gestures, the lift of an eyebrow, a half- smile, a quizzical look is all lost on the virtual screen. Half the time you can’t even hear the other person speaking because of poor network and even zoom meetings can be taxing with the internet behaving like the evening tide. The joyous moments brought by subtle interactions and spontaneous responses are all lost on the screen world we live in today.
And in case we assume that teenage friendships are smooth sailing, they are not. In fact, they are as tumultuous as the raging hormones of that period. Teens have their moments of disputes and conflicts, yet they always manage to resolve them because of the intervention of other friends. While there are cases of some teens being selfish, by and large it is when they are with their peers that they learn to share, to take turns and even to resolve conflicts. Here too psychologists concur that much of a child’s social development occurs outside their family and within friend groups. All this is impossible on screen.
Hence, we cannot even begin to comprehend the toll that social isolation is taking on our kids. They are deprived of opportunities for new experiences. The home begins to feel like a prison and their scope for self-discovery is drastically reduced.
Let’s also admit that we live in a state where very little attention is paid to children and teenagers and their special needs especially during these trying times. Some schools are trying to address these issues which go beyond the educational curriculum. But such schools are too few and far between. A sad plight indeed!