By Robert Clements
I’m not a person addicted to violence and frankly I have little idea how I’ve landed in jail. It’s not a place I’ve ever been before. I mean I have seen jails from the outside; huge gates and lofty walls and have even visited the old Bastille in France, which fascinated me, especially after reading The Tale of Two Cities by Dickens! Pretty horrible what you read, but then it’s like a voyeur looking at things from outside and happy you’ll never be part of the horror, but today, seeing the inside of a jail; never did I think I’d be in this situation! Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought I’d land up in such a place. Never. But here I am!
Which decent man would? I’m not a criminal. Have paid all my taxes, never shouted at anyone except the occasional yell when I can’t find my bathroom slippers or maybe find the dog’s had a go at my shoes or newspaper, but other than that, never.
But today I’m in jail. I look out of the window and see other fellows more ferocious than I’ve ever seen walking around and looking oh so rough. I have no idea what those guys will do with me. I’ve heard they are pretty rough on newcomers. I’m terrified, and I fear them.
They are walking towards me, those big fellows and looks like me, a law abiding fellow is now going to be made mince-meat by these ruffians. Oh God, what did I do to land up here?
They’re grinning evilly at me. You want to hear my story guys? I’m innocent! I tell you, I’m innocent. I haven’t done a crime in my life, except this one, and I don’t think it was a crime. You guys want to hear what happened? Okay let me tell you:
Listen, I’m a normal sort of fellow, have a dog, a wife, yeah, yeah just like you guys, a normal person, and innocent, just like you guys, but this morning the doorbell rang. I walked to the door, swung it open and found a grinning face outside with folded hands. “Namaste sir,” says the grinning face as it tries to shake my hand then tries to walk past me into my house,
“May I come in?”
“No!” I exclaim, “You may not! I don’t know you!”
“You do know me sir!” says the face with a wider grin and hands reaching out to embrace me.
“No I don’t.”
“You do sir”
“No I don’t! Who are you?”
“We met five years back sir.” says the grinning face, with folded hands.
“Where?”
“Here only sir”
“Here?”
“Yes sir”
“And why did we meet here?”
“I came for your vote sir”
“Aha.. you are?”
“Your voice in Parliament sir! May I come in now?”
“No” I say angrily.
“Why sir?”
“Do you know how many times I came to meet you at your office after I gave you my vote?”
“No sir?
“But you never had the time. You were always busy, too busy, your men sent me away; thugs and goons who stood outside your office door with smirks and sneers and knuckled up fists! They nearly roughed me up when I tried to insist on seeing you!”
“For what you came to meet me sir?”
“Roads in the city not repaired! Water during the monsoons, all over the ground, but never in our taps, law and order getting worse by the day! What are you doing?” I ask.
“Writing it down sir”
“Now?” I ask.
“If you vote for me, I will do everything.”
“Didn’t you say the same thing last time?”
“Did I sir? So many people I have to speak to, don’t remember all I say sir!”
“Will our roads be repaired?”
“Your vote is my guarantee”
“Will we get water?”
“My symbol is Nymphaea sir”
“Nymphaea? What’s that?”
“Just like lotus, but we are water lily sir! But all water plants believe in same things sir! And here is your ballot number sir”
“But have you written down all I have complained about?”
“Not everything sir: Up to standard four we write very slowly sir”
“Then how will you remember everything?”
“Come to my office after the elections sir!”
“But you won’t have time to see me!” I tell him.
“Then I will come and see you sir.” said the politician as he stepped out of my house and reached the gate.
“When?” I shouted, running after him.
“Before the 2029 election sir!
And then I hit him.
Yes guys, I hit him. I told the judge that even he would have done the same. I told my wife that she also would have done the same thing. I mean anybody would have, what? But that judge would have nothing of my argument. He even fined me twenty-five thousand like that Kejriwal judge. My wife too was very angry, she did not come to see me off! They looked at me as if I was some violent criminal. That judge wrote down some order and here I am with you guys, as innocent as all you are! Listen guys I know you chaps make it rough for newcomers, but all I ask is you give me some leniency. I mean I’m not like you guys all muscle and brawn. I’m a simple fellow and all I did was hit a politician!
Hey, hey guys what are you doing?
Don’t come at me like this, I’m scared. I’ve heard what you guys do to rooky convicts! Guys what are you doing? Why are you all coming at me at one time? Why are you all lifting me up and yelling and shouting? You guys seem happy? You’re not going to hurt me?
What are you saying? You want me to repeat the words that made me lose my temper? He said, “Before the 2029 elections sir!” And then guys I hit him, my knuckles still hurt!
Hey guys, it looks like I am a hero here! I seem to be a celebrity. Thank you! Thank you! So maybe I’ll admit it, I am guilty. I’m the only one here who is not innocent..!
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