By Patricia Mukhim
Social media is disruptive in that it takes our minds off crucial issues we need to deal with. Often we push those issues to the back of our minds and consciousness. Social media has turned us into garrulous commentators on every issue under the sun and I include myself in this category. Br Solomon Morris’s article, “The Silent Scream,” made me introspect on the fragile foundations on which families are perched on; some rather precariously. It took me back to my own childhood and growing up years and I realised that most of us grew up in families where conversations were stilted and reduced to staccatos of questions and answers. Our elders were judgmental and felt that their only duty in life as parents is to correct their children. Since I come from a Khasi society, that is my reference point. I was brought up by one parent – my mother. Perhaps because she had a hard life making ends meet, she too hid a lot of her anxieties from me. Conversations were formal. I am sure she also wanted to protect me from the vagaries of circumstances that attend a single woman mother. On one odd occasion we would watch a movie together but even in the movie hall we were in our own little worlds experiencing our own emotions.
Khasi society is inherently hierarchical. We are told never to argue with elders; whatever they say is correct and incontrovertible. Now we know better. We know that age is not always right. Also the manner in which our boys and men are socialised, perhaps leaves a lot to be desired. It’s my considered view that we should bring up our boys as we do our girls and instil in them the same value systems of respecting work; especially house work. Also, our boys must be told they are as precious as our girls are and that marriage does not make them strangers in their parental homes.
Today the situation among the educated lot has changed. I see young girls having a healthy banter with their fathers. Somehow girls seem closer to their fathers, although I may be wrong. Girls are able to share a lot with their fathers who seem to understand them better than the mother, especially if she is a home maker who’s not too exposed to the world outside. But, alternatively, are boys closer to their mothers? Are they able to unburden themselves to their mothers? I guess for a young girl or boy having a healthy conversation on a range of issues they face in the world outside the comfort zones of their homes, requires that parents are in the same mental and intellectual zone. Most millennials or the Generation Z feel their parents are either outdated or not capable of grasping the intensity of their problems. But that I suppose comes from the fact that from childhood the space was not created for a conversation that was easy, non-judgmental, non-threatening and where the children felt safe to confide even their most well-kept secrets.
Most of us grew up to be parents too but largely mimicked our own parents and therefore we never had those moments of deep conversations with our children. They had to find someone outside of their family and perhaps someone in their friend circles to confide some of their dark, deep secrets which haunt them in their sleep and were hindrances to their healthy mental development. School too was not a joyful place. It was all about competition and how they are faring in class as compared to their classmates. As students we were never introduced to games where there is no win or lose, right or wrong but just made us laugh and feel happy. Our parents never dared to engage in conversation with our teachers. They were too diffident and scared lest the teacher targets their child. It is unthinkable for a parent at that time to ask a teacher, “How is my child learning/ Is she/he eager and receptive when presented with new tasks or slow and shy? If a child is lagging behind in one or two subjects, do parents have the freedom to ask if the teacher is concerned about this or whether it is normal and the child will slowly pick up the threads? Above all, at least in our time as parents we did very little to supplement what our kids learnt at school. We were struggling parents with very little time. I am not sure now whether my children found learning fun and looked forward to going to school. Most of us never bothered to ask if the kids are happy at school or if something was bothering them. When I think back to these times, how I wish I knew better and had the exposure that parents today have.
Psychologists speak of the brain-changing power of conversation and state from studies that the interplay between parents and children ignites the brain and boosts its response to language while also spurring literacy skills. Besides, healthy communication in the family helps dispel many doubts, Assumptions and negativity floating around the house. It would be the saddest thing for any child not to find the home a safe space where she/he can speak about her/his fears, frustrations, express what she/he wants and just be able to speak up and not allow repressed thoughts from creating a mental block that later becomes a character defect for which the young person is judged. So many of our young people can’t speak their minds at home. And yet they carry such a huge burden dealing with life and its daily challenges. Often parents instead of focusing on the problem and helping their children to deal with it, focus instead on the person as if the problem happened because of the person. We are already judging our kids without hearing them out.
Families must be the place where we experience the most kindness, a forgiving space and where we need not put on a façade. If a teenager has to pretend to be someone else at home and put up a persona for her/his parents and then become someone completely different outside the house there is a huge problem that parents should be aware of and learn to tackle delicately and with the greatest sensitivity. Our kids love it when we make time to attend their concerts, sporting events and a recitation competition or a school concert. If we have to critique our kids, let’s do it with kindness and positivity and not make them feel bad about themselves.
These days families are scattered all over the place. Kids are studying somewhere and parents are busy working elsewhere. It’s good to have a family WhatsApp group if only to stay connected. The child should feel free to communicate anything at any time in that family group. Sometimes children can feel alone and also lonely. Family WhatsApp groups where someone or the other is posting something helps the family stay connected. This is a good use of technology. Video calls and facetime are good ways of keeping in touch. As elders we need to listen intently when a family member talks and not cut them off mid-sentence. If we don’t listen actively how will we know what’s going on in their minds?
When a family member talks, don’t cut them off mid-sentence. Listen to them actively and intently. Let them speak and articulate their thoughts verbally. Hear them out because the backbone of communication is this. If you don’t listen, how will you know what’s going on inside their minds?
Let’s also remind ourselves that being part of a family can also be lonely. When a child feels she/he is not accepted because she/he is in love with someone the family abhors, that is a difficult bend. It is at such times that a child needs more understanding and acceptance. Social connectedness and unconditional acceptance by the family, no matter what is an integral aspect of the human drive for survival. Rejection causes a lot of pain which psychologists say is equivalent to a physical injury. The absence of a feeling of connectedness can lead to stress, mental health issues, and also physical health issues. Families need to recognise these signs in their young members.
When I see young people who prefer to stay outside the home until midnight or beyond it makes me wonder how home has become so unwelcome. And if home is unwelcome and a strange place where does a young person find solace? Where does a young man or woman find mental peace and acceptance? Let’s think over this.. Sometimes It brings tears to think of the loneliness that young people experience because their families have given up on them.
Sometimes I wish there was a possibility for younger parents to be educated on how to revisit their parenting skills. We are in the 21st century but are still wedded to the parenting that we were subjected to decades ago. Here I am talking especially about families in rural Meghalaya where parents still believe that the only way to correct their kids is by beating them up. Do we wonder then why children become rebellious and aggressive?