By Robert Clements
Political Godmen..!
It was with a lot of hope, some trepidation and a lot of expectations that I looked at the ads one morning and saw one from a godman school which said, they could make a godman out of anybody. “Become one,” said the wife, “Anyway you do have a beard, just grow your hair a little longer and continue with your eccentric ways!”
“I don’t have any such ways!” I said stiffly looking out of the window.
“There, you were looking at her, weren’t you?”
“Who?” I asked, puzzled.
“Our pretty neighbour! See you already have one of the most essential characteristics!” said the wife with a sneer. I hastily picked up the paper and rang the number.
“Did your wife ask you to call this number?” asked a voice, at the other end.
“Yes,” I said surprised, “How did you know?”
“The wife is the first to see such qualities in her husband,” said the voice at the other end patiently, “And were you looking out of the window?”
“Yes!” I said nearly jumping out of my chair, very happy about the godman school, “Yes, but I was only looking at some trees and bushes!”
“Excellent!” said the voice from the godman school, “You already know how to bluff!”
“I have a beard!” I said eagerly, “And I can grow my hair long!”
“Those are not important,” said the voice, “And can be fixed with a good wig and a clipped-on beard. What we are interested in is whether you should go in for the beginner’s course or the higher one. From these few questions you have answered I feel you can go straightway to the higher study course!”
“That’s very good of you!” I said, “Are there any other qualities of mine you would like to know about?”
“Are you a ladies man?” asked the voice, “Does the opposite sex like being around you?”
I looked at my wife, who was hovering around me, trying to key onto the conversation. She put her ear close to the mouthpiece to listen even more keenly.
“Yes!” I whispered hoarsely, “They love being all around and near me!”
There was some whispering at the other end, “Guruji, we will come to your house in a few minutes, you are the godman we have been looking for! You have all the qualities needed!” said a new voice.
“You mean I can go to an even higher course?” I asked excitedly.
“We will enroll you immediately as our principal,” said the voice, “With you in charge, we will build our godman school into a premier institution in the country. We will pick you up in half an hour, meanwhile continue looking out of the window!”
It was a few hours after reaching the Godman School, that I was summoned hastily for a meeting, “What’s the hurry?” I asked the committee member who had come to my lavish quarters, “I am just getting used to the place.”
“If you cannot solve this immediate problem, you might have to return home by the next train!” said the committee member woefully.
“Whoa! Whoa!” I exclaimed, “And what may I ask is the problem? I know everything about looking out of the window, and pretending I’m meditating, while staring at my pretty neighbour, I know all about…”
“Enough!” said the chairman of the godmen committee as I entered the boardroom, “We know all your qualities, which is why we’ve offered you the principal’s job!”
“Thank you!” I gushed as I looked round at the board members, who looked like they were about to weep, “You all look like there’s been a flood or landslide that’s wiped out all your godmen properties?”
“Yes,” said the chairman, “We are nearly wiped out, and we need you to solve the issue right away!”
“Shoot!” I said, for want of a better word.
“How do you like the campus?” asked the chairman.
“It’s huge and expansive!” I said.
“It took many godmen tricks and tantrics to fund such a lavish place,” continued the chairman seriously, “But now we have competition which will wipe us out!”
“From other godmen?” I asked, “Don’t worry, with my super abilities, I will see all other godmen institutes are off the radar, even before they get on the drawing board!” I looked around hoping my stimulating words would get a standing ovation, but found the members weeping even more bitterly.
“The competition is not from other godmen,” wept a committee member even as he howled with sorrow, “It is from a most unexpected source. It’s from politicians!”
Immediately, all the godmen committee members in the room started wailing like police sirens going off at a bomb raid, as I stood still waiting for the sad noise to stop. I then whispered, “Politicians have made a godmen school?”
“Politicians have made the whole country into a godmen school!” said the chairman and the wailing started again, “The speeches and talks we gave to our disciples are now being said, broadcasted and repeated at every political meeting! Every political meeting has them talking about gods and goddesses, even instructing their people through religious discourses!”
“They have infringed on our territory!” shrieked a godwoman who I had not seen till then, since they all had long hair, “All my disciples are now going for political meetings, they say, they are getting their fill of godmen discourses there!”
“And those lectures and messages are working,” wept another committee member uncontrollably, as he switched on the TV monitor and showed me pictures of churches, mosques and even temples razed or burnt. They are able to do practically what we never achieved!”
“This is your first task!” shrieked the godwoman as a moneyed TV evangelist godman held her shoulders.
“Yes, your first task as principal of our godmen school!” shrieked all the other committee members of the godmen school, “To free politics off religion and bring it back to us!”
My wife was at the gate when I rushed home, “What happened?” she asked, “You’ve left the job, I see!”
“They gave me an impossible task!” I said looking crestfallen.
“I think you should stick to looking out of the window!” she said as she waved to my pretty neighbour who waved back at her, making me realize I’d lost my own turf while away, and I cried bitterly with the godmen who’d also lost theirs..!
(The Author conducts an Online Writers Course. For more details send a thumbs-up to him on WhatsApp 9892572883 [email protected])