By Ranee Kaur Banerjee
I thought about it, and in the 365-and-a-quarter days of every year, there are basically three types of days that we “observe.” There are those days that are supposed to be unequivocally happy: for instance, birthdays, anniversaries, Diwali, Christmas, Id, or Gurpurab. There are those days that are supposed to be unequivocally sad: for example, 9/11, death anniversaries, or Muharram.
And then there is a third category of what I call Reminder days: AIDS day, Alzheimer’s Awareness Day Day, Armed Forces Day, Friendship Day, Grandparents Day, Valentines Day, Earth Day, Holocast Day, Women’s Day, and such occasions.
Why do we need these special memorial days? Because these are issues, emotions, people that we neglect on the other 364 days? Because these are issues, emotions and people that don’t really come first in our daily order of things or priority lists? Because these are issues, emotions and people we take for granted and need to remind ourselves to notice and celebrate one day of the year? Because these are issues, emotions and people we don’t consider important enough to dedicate the whole year to? Because these are issues, emotions and people we think are dealt with and taken care of in that one day and for the rest of the year we can feel good that we gave them that one day and they are to be grateful that they have that one day?
Have you noticed that in all those reminder days about people, Mothers, Fathers, Grandparents, Friends, or Women, we never really commemorate something called a Man’s Day? That, my more militant feminist friends would say, is because every day is Man’s Day. Which reminds me of those SMS messages I get every women’s day from all my friends. I’m sure all of you share them and will know what I’m talking about.
Some of these messages are very sweet and feminine and appreciative. Some are eager and sincere. Some want to put us on pedestals and perpetuate the “woman as martyr” myth and talk about the sacrifices women make and those special qualities we have—as if we are all Mother Teresas whose calling in life is to neglect our own needs and “nurture” the “world” to help it become “better.”
Then there are the sarcastic ones that make men our worst enemies and laugh at the expense of the other biological sex. Let me mention two I got this year:
“God created women second because after he created man he stepped back and thought, ‘I can do better than this.”
“Despite the old saying ‘don’t take your troubles to bed’ many women still sleep with their husbands…be different tonight.”
And my all time favourite punctuation trick:
Woman without her man is nothing (i.e., Woman, without her man, is nothing. However, we must read it as “Woman. Without her, man is nothing.)
I really think those are unfair. I like men. Men are nice people. Some of my most favourite humans are men. I don’t think we need to disparage men to be appreciated as women. I don’t think men need to be reminded of our value on any special day. I think by perpetuating myths and dividing genders we are perpetuating our own persecution as the “weaker” sex.
I really don’t think we need a blanket Women’s day per se. I do think we need several other reminder days to “notice” the injustice and torture being committed on certain sections of our society that happen to comprise primarily, but not exclusively, of women. So yes, we do need a Rape Victims Day or a Dowry Death Day or a Battered Wife Day or a Neglected Old Person Day—you get my idea.
I’ll add another pet peeve to this polemic: the words “Working Woman.” As far as I am concerned, I have never seen a woman who does not “work.” All women are working women—only, some of us get paid and recognized for the work we do outside the home. My mother never earned a paisa, but oh, she worked! We were an extended or joint business family of fourteen members with one or more house guests almost all days of the year and my mother managed that household and its resources so wonderfully.
Individual tastes and special dietary needs were effortlessly catered to. A virtual army of drivers, vendors, part-timers and full timers were administered without a falter. Absentees, gaps in service, broken vehicles were all dealt with without effect on the routines of the other members of the family. Clothes were miraculously collected, washed, dried, folded, ironed and returned to the respective rooms and wardrobes without a hitch. Sickness, cuts and broken bones were taken into her stride without a drop in her smile. Homework was checked, diaries signed, schoolbooks covered, projects aided—no problems at all. Ripped jeans and missing buttons were mended in a jiffy and without a frown. Fights were arbitrated to everybody’s satisfaction; tantrums and transgressions were punished; hurts and upsets were gently soothed…And after all this she had time and money left over for charity—Now that’s what I call optimum usage of her resources!
My mother ran several service industries rolled into one. She practiced several professions simultaneously and excelled in each one. She was the Receptionist, Housekeeper, Master Chef, Accountant, Manager, Tailor, Nurse and Doctor, Lawyer and Judge, Teacher and Mentor and Counselor…. Oh, yes, she worked! And we didn’t have to celebrate her on Mother’s Day and Women’s Day. We didn’t think she was someone special to put on a pedestal. Most of all, she didn’t feel she needed special treatment.
There is absolutely no denying or disputing the fact that our patriarchal society still wants women to follow their men (and so what if some of us are matrilineal?).
The wife, by her very definition in our culture, plays supporting role to her husband who is the hero: She is ardhangani, one half of her husband. She is sahadharmini, an associate in the fulfillment of his human and divine goals; She is sahakarmini, a co-worker in all his efforts: She is sahayogini, a helper in all his ventures.
This has been true from the time of the Vedas: “I will be the Saaman (the music) and may you be the Rk (the Vedic text being cast into music).
Let me be the heavens (the upper world) and let you be the Bhumi or Mother Earth.
I will be the Sukla (life force) and may you be the bearer of that Sukla.
Let me be the mind and let you be the speech.
May you follow me to conceive children and gain worldly as well as spiritual wealth.”
It has been true through Manu’s description of the ideal female partner for a man—who, by the way, should be about one-third his age:
karyeshu dasi, a slave/ servant in her work
karaneshu mantri, with the administrative powers of a minister
bhojyeshu maatha, who can feed you like a mother
shayaneshu rambha, and please you like Rambha in bed
kshamaya dharitri and who has the forbearance, the patience— the
sahanshakti—of Earth
It has been true through Kalidas, who said: “Women go the way of their husband as moonlight follows the moon or lightning the cloud”
And it is true as propagated by all our immensely popular television serials and film industries across the nation.
Much more, it is still true as lived by millions of women all over India. Society desires women to walk one step behind their men.
But does higher social approval come to the women who follow in their men’s footsteps? Who do not deviate? Who never challenge the norm? Who do the done thing, so to speak?
Therein lies the rub. Society may expect a woman to be one way, may prescribe a woman’s ideal, but it reserves its approval—its esteem, its appreciation, its recognition, its awards, its admiration, its praise, respect and acclaim—for those women who flout all the expectations and defy its prescriptions.
Think of any Indian woman who has had any impact through myth and legend and history: Durga, Kali, Draupadi, Rani Lakhshmibai, Indira Gandhi, Mother Teresa
Think of any contemporary Indian woman who has achieved social recognition or appreciation – Rekha, Sushmita Sen, Arundhuti Roy, Mira Nair, Kiran Mazumdar Shaw, Sania Mirza,
You will find that they are all women who do not recognize any social limits on their beings. They are all women who stride way ahead, or go away, or create their own difficult road. They are all women who do not follow the beaten path.
On the other hand, think of the women who did the done thing: Sita did every single thing by the book. Did it get her her society’s approval?
Madri was the perfect wife who even committed sati with Pandu. But who gets all the attention? Kunti, a woman with a curious past and her own mind.
Krishna’s wives committed jauhar after him. Do we chant or even know their names? The names we associate with Krishna and celebrate and adore are of two of the most deviant women in their societies, Radha and Meera.
Littérateurs like Kalidasa and Tulsidas became men of learning because of their wives. Do we know who they were?
It’s very simple, really. When you follow behind, you remain unseen, unsung, unnoticed—taken for granted and therefore uncelebrated.
When you walk ahead, or walk away, you are seen, followed, recognized, validated.
So ladies: By all means, walk a step behind your men.
Do it so you can support them. Don’t expect social approval for doing it.
Feel free to follow in your men’s footsteps. Don’t expect society to validate your hard work and celebrate you for it. Take the backseat when your man drives. Do it so you can drive him where you want to go. Don’t do it for any respect or rewards from society.