By Ellerine Diengdoh
“Near Don Bosco a driver did swerve,
With blinkers that lacked all reserve,
Left signalled for right,
Then vanished from sight,
Only to stop for a kwai at the curve!”
Let us now have a serious discussion about traffic signals in Shillong. Not the metallic poles with lights, those are ornamental, part of “The Shillong Beautification Project”. I am talking about the indicators in your car, the ones meant to show where you’re heading next.
Now, in most places, if you want to go left, you signal left and if you want to go right, you signal right. It is pretty straightforward, that’s because humans invented logic thousands of years ago! But in the “Rock Capital of India” (a polite way of saying we’re perpetually stoned), the rules of the road come with their own genre of psychedelic interpretation.
Take the right indicator, for example; elsewhere, it means “I am turning right”. Here, on the other hand, it might mean “Go ahead, not in a hurry” or even “Oops, a passenger just flagged!”.
Now, let’s say you genuinely want to turn right. Naturally, you indicate right. But now the car behind you assumes it’s a cue to follow you right, because in this crazy system, a right indicator often means, “I’m actually going left, don’t follow” or ” I need time to think, go ahead”. (Are you confused? So is everyone else here!)And if the driver behind still insists on following your turn, you quickly switch to a left signal. If they’re especially determined and try overtaking you on the left, that’s when you deploy the nuclear option…hazard lights! Why? To throw them off your scent, of course. It buys you just enough time to disappear down your actual turn, while they sit there trying to figure out what just happened…
When someone stops randomly in the middle of the road and flashes a “right” signal, don’t panic! It doesn’t mean they are turning, it means, “I’ve decided to stop here for no reason at all. Good luck figuring it out”. Make sense? No? Great, you’re officially one of us now!
Now, let’s talk about going straight. That is the simplest of all, just turn on the hazard lights! I know! I know! In most places, hazard lights mean “I’m broken down!” or “Help, I’m dying!”. But not in Shillong. Here, hazard lights simply mean, “I’m going straight ahead. I am not in distress! And this is definitely not an emergency!” It is the perfect way to convey that you’re not turning, and if anyone mistakes it for a breakdown, well, they are definitely not from these parts!
What happens when someone actually has an emergency? Like real-deal chaos….engine sputtering, smoke pouring out, flames four feet high, driver looking like he’s negotiating with the afterlife? The miserable soul turns on the hazard lights and some furious driver will zoom by, honk and scream, “SUROK KPA ME????” (Your father’s road?) No one stops to help! Why, because hazard lights have become so normal here, they’ve lost all meaning!
Here’s a little trivia that I think you should know. When you say “reverse” in Khasi, you say “Bek da dien”, which when loosely translated means “back behind”. Because just saying “back” wasn’t nearly descriptive enough, we had to reinforce it, in TWO different languages! Just in case you thought reverse might also include going sideways or in a circle. It is very much about going the opposite of forward, but with emphasis!
Let us be honest, most of us here never actually sat for a proper driving test ( oops, the secret is out!!!) We learned from a dad, an uncle, or (in my case) a boyfriend who screamed “Clutch-clutch-brake-brake-GO-GO-GO!” until we either merged onto a highway or burst into tears! No theory, no rules, just pure caveman instinct!
So here’s a humble suggestion, Dear Shillong Traffic Police, please organise a workshop called “Indicators: “What They Are and What They’re Not.” Not just for new drivers, but for all of us! Make it mandatory! Throw in some “phan tungtap” to boost attendance! And if you’re feeling generous, bring in some live music, maybe Ed Sheeran, since he’s been here before and lived to tell the tale!
Until then people, keep your seatbelts on, your windows down, and your expectations really really, really low on the ground. This is Shillong, we don’t just drive, WE IMPROVISE!