By Patricia Mukhim
When things go awry as they are wont to in a world that’s gone somewhat crazy, it’s easy to blame everyone else – the police, the district administration, the entire government system, the law and every other institution but ourselves. But the root of the problem is with our families and families make up a society. When families are torn apart by divorce and abandonment the worst sufferers are the children. Yet we don’t stop to think of this serious social malaise. We don’t even care to think what happens to the souls of the young ones who in their schools and colleges can never bring their parents because there is only one parent and, in the Khasi matrilineal system – it’s the mother. This mother too carries the weight of her own predicament of having to work to provide for her children since in 99% of divorces and abandonment the woman gets no maintenance in Meghalaya. Once a man has left his wife and children he no longer cares to look back. He looks forward to a new life with a new wife and the children from that second or third marriage/affair.
But even if children grow up in a family that has both parents, in Khasi society we don’t have a culture of easy conversations that are non-judgmental where children are given a space for free expression because it is in such conversations that the child’s state of mind often reveals itself. Silence is indicative of the child hiding her/his feelings deep inside where they feel no one can reach. Those feelings could be anything from a broken love affair, a scolding from a teacher which the child felt was insulting in front of her/his peers and in the age of social media it could be body shaming or simply being trolled by someone with a sick mind.
I have said this many times but it merits repeating. The impact of the mobile phone and social media in particular has not yet been studied. But even without research we know that social media has led to the creation of a class that can afford to flaunt fashion on Instagram and call themselves “influencers” while others whose parents don’t have the wherewithal to wear similar dresses and parade them equally bravely would feel they are the deprived dregs of society; the underprivileged; the lot that can never be where some of their peers are. Imagine the feeling of such young people and there are many who go through this tortuous route but cannot share their deep-seated grievances with their friends and much less with their parents. In such situations can we blame the boys who seek out pleasure in drugs?
Today what our disparate and ruptured society is crying out for is the need for ‘Social Repair.’ Let’s also accept the reality of today that children get very little from their schools where teachers have no time to give personal attention to students; much less to listen with empathy. Social Repair would amount to mending the tears in our shared fabric, those unseen connections that bind individuals into a community, into a society. When we talk about this idea, we are really looking at the health of our human relationships, the vibrancy of local ties, and the sense of belonging that nourishes our spirits. How many community events do we participate in these days? A cleaning up drive in the locality I live in saw only the elderly attending because the young these days find it hard to wake up early; sleeping as they do in the wee hours of morning because they are wedded to their mobile phones.
Community events such as games and sports are tiny threads that are woven back into the larger cloth. Social Repair begins with recognizing that our well-being is intrinsically linked to the well-being of those around us. It’s an understanding that isolation and disconnection weaken not only individuals but the collective soul of a place. On a human scale, Social Repair manifests in actions that bridge divides, large or small. How many of us really care to visit a home nearby when we know someone is ill, just to see if we can extend help. That used to be the Khasi way of life. Deaths were a time when the community would help the family cope with hospitality. These days we have caterers doing that because we are all rushing somewhere and time seems to fly on angel wings. Perhaps it’s not pragmatic to suggest that we go back into the distant past but we need to find the threads that connected us.
The reality is that a community where people know and support one another is better equipped to handle challenges, whether they be economic challenges or social tensions. It all boils down to cultivating a culture of care and mutual respect, where every individual feels valued and has a voice and that voice is heard loud and clear – not muted.
So, what does Social Repair really involve? It involves active listening, meaning that we truly hear another person’s perspective without immediate judgment. Social Repair means sharing skills and resources within our neighbourhoods or community groups. It means we have enough confidence to participate in local decision-making processes and make our voices heard in collective matters.
Recently a young girl went missing from her home and was later found with a young man. What was that girl looking for? What was she missing in her life? Do her parents know or do they care to know? If they listened enough not just to what she says but what she leaves unsaid would they not have been able to help her better? The biggest scourge in our society is this inability to allow our children to just speak their minds; share what agitates them; what is hurting them and where they need healing. If each family were to be able to mend this tear in the family fabric we would not have desperate children making desperate moves. There is psychology at play here. We humans possess an innate need for connection and belonging. When these needs go unmet, it impacts mental health, contributes to feelings of alienation which then leads to societal fragmentation.
The reality with our society is the great economic shift where some have too much and others too little and nothing is shared. This alienates us and ruptures society. How then can we call ourselves a community – a society with shared cultural and social values? When the affluent are unwilling to share but are obsessed with greed then society is beyond repair. We have a political system to help challenge these inequities and the faith groups to help us deal with the systemic pressures that strain the social bonds. But both these institutions – politics and religion too seem to have failed us.
For the young, coping with life in the age of social media is a trauma. Yet they all want to be on Instagram and Facebook. In Khasi society when a young lady vocalist sings a Hindi song she is trolled most unscrupulously. Even if she sings in English she will be asked, “Why not sing in Khasi?” These societal norms decided by new ultra-right wing Khasi groups need to be challenged upfront. Anyone has the right to sing in any language they choose to! It’s their life and their choice! Why should an unknown freak decide what young women should and should not do?
It’s time for Khasi society to navigate through this ‘Social Friction,’ but this also demands that we begin to have difficult conversations; a willingness to listen to perspectives that differ vastly from our own, and a commitment to finding common ground without erasing legitimate grievances. This work isn’t always comfortable; it asks us to confront uncomfortable truths about societal flaws and our own potential complicity. Psychologically, this phase involves developing greater empathy and perspective-taking abilities. It requires understanding the emotional landscapes of others, particularly those who have experienced marginalization or harm. We truly need to learn empathy; to be less critical and more accepting of differences. This is how we build the much-needed social capital which undergirds every society.
At the end of the day relationships are not just personal comforts but essential infrastructure for a healthy society. In our society, politics is one reason for social divides. Its time we educate ourselves not to allow politics to divide us and to keep at a distance any political party that relies on social division to garner votes. The value of social capital – of communities sharing concerns and working through them is what we need. Is this not what the Dorbar Shnong should be doing? They have the capacity to unite us in a common endeavour!
