By Patricia Mukhim
On October 29, the Assam Rifles Public School in collaboration with Project Empathy spearheaded by Vibha Joshi hosted the programme, “I Am With You” an art exhibition on “Empathy,” at the All Saints Hall. The art work put up by the students to communicate to the public the meaning and depth of the word “Empathy” were strikingly poignant and touched the hearts of all who saw those paintings, writings, sketches and everything that brought alive the intrinsic meaning of the word Empathy. I have to admit that empathy is a word I started paying attention to only later in my adult life. While we were growing up we had a faint idea of the word “Sympathy.” We believed it meant feeling sorry for someone; expressing our feelings to the person who deserves our sympathy and then move on with our normal activities. How that expression of sympathy actually helps the person who is grieving a loss; one who has suffered misfortune or one who is a victim of violence, never really bothered us because we didn’t spend long enough time to understand what the person is going through.
It was only after I suffered a personal loss in 2008 – losing a grown-up daughter in the prime of her life that I realised that all who came and offered condolences did so out of pity and sympathy for me. Other than one or two dear friends who sat quietly but who I know had my back and had always been there in my most trying moments, others just came and went. Those who sat with me through those moments of deep pain and indescribable sense of emptiness and who were ready and willing to travel the long road ahead with me; helping me pick up the threads of life, were the only ones who truly “empathised” with me and truly comprehended my loss. They were and are friends I can just open up to and know I will not be judged. They knew empathy and lived it. I have since learnt what it means to walk in another person’s shoes – which actually means to experience what that person has. It takes time and a lot of self- education to be able to feel and take on the pain of another person and help him/her find forgiveness, acceptance and the will power to move on with life and to also develop the strength to fight future battles.
The term empathy was first introduced in 1909 by psychologist Edward B Titchener by translating the German term einfühlung (meaning “feeling into”). “Feeling into,” literally means entering the heart of the person who is in distress and feeling the pain, anxiety and distress of that person. While people are well-attuned to their own feelings and emotions, getting into someone else’s head and trying to fathom the real pain the person is going through can be a difficult proposition. Empathy is to feel the emotions of another so deeply that you are actually able to say the right words – words that heal – words that build – words that say, “I am here for you, no matter what?” That sounds like a tall order right? But that is what empathy is!
But if we believe that empathy is intrinsic to every human we are wrong. Many people don’t care what others go through. In Meghalaya today we are all talking about the growing numbers of drug addicts and many speak condescendingly about them. They are called the dregs of society and even families tend to give up and hand them over to rehabilitation centres and the police. But there is a reason why a person takes to drugs. Our families now comprise of busy parents chasing livelihoods in very challenging circumstances to be able to send their kids to school and give them the best. But “Time” is something every family seems to be in short supply of. Their parents time and a listening ear is what the children yearn for. They cannot articulate that, so they look on with those teary eyes wondering when their parents would ever have the time to hear their stories of pain, of broken teenage relationships and their inability to understand the lessons taught in the classroom. Who do such children turn to? The answer is cruel. They turn to pacifiers – drugs and get a temporary reprieve only to be hooked for good. If only parents had the time. If only our families had developed the culture of “family conversations” where no one is judged! If only …….
Some traits of an empathetic person are that:
*They are good at really listening to what others have to say.
*People trust them and often tell them about their problems.
*They are good at picking up on how other people are feeling.
*They often think about how other people feel.
*Other people come to them for advice.
*They often feel overwhelmed by tragic events.
*They try to help others who are suffering.
*They are also good at telling when people are not honest and are taking advantage of them.
*They sometimes feel drained or overwhelmed in social situations.
*They care deeply about other people.
Very often we tend to confuse empathy, sympathy and compassion. While both sympathy and compassion are related to empathy there are important differences we need to understand. Compassion and sympathy are considered passive connections; empathy involves a much more active attempt to understand another person. Research also suggests that our ability to regulate our own emotions influences how we respond to other people’s emotions.
People who lack empathy tend to blame a rape victim for wearing certain kind of clothes; for being out late at night and for not having the moral character as defined by them. Also, there are cyber-bullies that stalk and troll people. These people perhaps have a psychological disorder which also means they need empathy which they perhaps never received at critical moments in their lives.
There are some places where empathy is most needed. They include schools and hospitals. When a sick person comes for treatment the person is already fragile. Any harsh word or an uncaring body language from the caregiver can send the patient deeper into her/his ailment. But overwork often turns care-givers into tired, listless, emotionless automatons. This is where work-life balance becomes so important yet difficult to attain.
Schools are places where the young spend the formative years of their lives and the large part of their waking hours. Imagine their plight if they have teachers that don’t understand their adolescent hormones playing up all over and causing them to do things considered “wrong.” If they don’t have an empathetic teacher at this point in their lives, their future could be ruined. This is one reason why schools in particular need counsellors that are student friendly and with large doses of empathy. After all they will be dealing with fragile emotions and enable them to come out of their emotional trauma to pursue a more stable life.
We humans are creatures of feelings yet these days we communicate to family members over WhatsApp thereby losing the human touch that is so essential to bonding. Our relationships have become transactional. Recently while visiting the home of Zubeen Garg in Guwahati, one of the visitors while talking to Garima Garg (Zubeen’s wife) said, “Be strong..you have to be strong and overcome this sorrow.” I think that’s the worst thing to say to someone who has lost a loved one. It would have been better to say nothing and just let your eyes communicate your feelings. In fact, many people flounder when offering condolences. Some prefer to leave it to Hallmark cards.
Very often we feel deeply touched by kindness and a smile from the person behind the counter especially when we enter places such as banks and government offices. Government offices are known to treat people with disdain as if they are an interruption to someone’s work schedule. Perhaps courses on empathy ought to be given to all those dealing with the public in their daily transactions.
Empathy could turn this world into a better, happier place. Let us be more kind, loving and compassionate and walk a few steps with those needing a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. We can heal the world with these small steps. Let’s start small and begin today…
