By Fabian Lyngdoh
The purpose of this article is not to criticize or object to what is happening in Khasi society today, but just to point out the facts as they are for those interested in understanding the nuances of the Khasi thought pattern and the underlying factors influencing the collective consciousness in contemporary Khasi society. Only one aspect of the culture shall be discussed here: marriage. Though sexual relationships between a man and a woman are based on the natural and instinctive human need to propagate one’s genetic blueprint to the next generation, this natural need must be regulated by society through marriage conducted in accordance with the culture and customs of a particular community. Through marriage, the sexual relationship and cohabitation of a man and a woman are socially and legally recognized. Society, through its governance institutions takes responsibility to safeguard and protect the couple’s sexual property rights against infringement by other persons. In that way, the competition for propagating the personal genetic blueprint is controlled and regulated by society to maintain social order.
In patriarchal societies, it is a man who needs and seeks a wife to continue his bloodline through marriage. A man asks for the woman’s hand and proposes marriage by asking, ‘will you marry me?’ This means, ‘are you willing to be my wife, come to stay with me in my house and cooperate with me in continuing my bloodline?’ Hence, the groom must wait patiently in the Church for his bride’s arrival and take her home after the marriage.
Biological instinctive nature, social norms, and spiritual ideals are perfectly balanced in the Khasi matrilineal system. According to the Khasi thought, the seed belongs to the father, but flesh and blood belong to the mother, while ‘ka rngiew’ (spiritual personality) belongs to both. This serves the purpose of a balanced social order. The traditional concept of ‘ka shongkha-shongman’ (marriage) among the Khasis refers to the lawful cohabitation and sexual relationship between a man and a woman belonging to different clans for the purpose of reproduction. When the sexual relationship brings forth children, a kin relationship between the two clans called ‘ka longkha-longman’ comes into being. U shongkha (husband) becomes also u longkha (father). The father’s clan as a whole becomes ‘ka longkha’ (begetter of children).
At the personal level, Khasi marriage is neither a covenant nor an agreement or contract that binds the couple by law, but it is only a mutual agreement between a man and a woman to establish a family. When mutual understanding is no longer possible, divorce can take place by simple ritual of throwing cowries into the ground. Even after marriage, a man is considered ‘u khun ki briew’ (son of other people) by his wife’s clan. This is not a condescending concept but a matter of respect because even after marriage the man remains an independent and full-fledged member of his own clan and does not merge into his wife’s clan. The husband stays in his wife’s house as long as his purpose warrants it, he is willing to stay, or he is permitted to stay. If he cannot conduct himself satisfactorily to the expectation of his wife’s clan, he must leave and honourably return to his own clan. Since Khasi thought intends marriage for procreation, if the husband and wife do not have children, the man’s clan may sometimes call him back because of a belief that the marriage has not been ordained by God. In the strictest sense, the father’s presence or absence has little to do with the cultural or religious legitimacy, legality, honour and security of the family. Moreover, Khasi traditional marriage does not join the husband and wife into one flesh and one blood. Among the Khasis, this is called ‘ka sang’ (sacrilege). That is the original principle of Khasi thought regarding marriage at the personal level.
However, when marriage is considered a relationship between the clans after children are born, it becomes an indissoluble covenant. Khasi traditional marriage was primarily a mutual acceptance and recognition by the two clans of the reproductive relationship between a man and a woman to establish ‘ka longkha-longman’ (relationship between the two clans established by the birth of children). ‘Ka shongkha-shongman’ (cohabitation of husband and wife) can be dissolved any time, but ‘ka longkha-longman’ can never be dissolved. The covenant will confess or manifest itself in the religious divinations of the two clans even after many generations. No lawyer’s argument, no affidavit, no religious rite or magical mantra can wipe away the mark of fatherhood that one clan has given to the other clan. Divorce between husband and wife at the personal level is a common and accepted phenomenon, but dissolving ka longkha-longman between the two clans is a taboo that will institute ‘u smai u byrnei’ (covenant of enmity) between them.
The fundamental principle of Khasi marriage is that, it is the father who provides ‘u symbai u rnai’ (seed) while it is the mother who gives life, blood and nourishment to the child. The child does not belong to the provider of the seed but to the womb which gives life, blood and nourishment. In Khasi thought, the father had no blood relation with the children. As the Khasi matrilineal system is basically based on blood, the children belong to the mother who provides the blood. This is similar to what is said in the Bible: “I was conceived from the sperm of a man, in the pleasure of intercourse. For nine months my flesh took shape in the blood of my mother’s womb” (‘Wisdom of Solomon’, 7: 1-3, Good News Bible, Society of St. Paul, 1979). Hence, in the Khasi society it is the woman who needs a man in marriage for the continuation of her bloodline. Khasi marriage is for the continuation of the wife’s bloodline, not the husband’s. From the perspective of the groom’s clan, marriage is a costly and precious gift the clan gives to the bride’s clan, and the bride’s clan sees it as a precious gift they receive from the groom’s clan. For this reason, the man’s maternal uncles always have the upper hand over the woman’s maternal uncles in any discussion, deliberation, or argument the two clans undertake before the marriage. If the man’s maternal uncles are seriously offended or displeased for whatever reason, the whole marriage transaction may be cancelled altogether.
Since the woman receives a man who comes to stay in her home, the Khasi marriage ceremony is always conducted in the bride’s house, not in any church or temple. The bride patiently waits in her home for the groom’s arrival, who may be coming from another place fifty or more kilometres away. I believe the adherents of the Niam Khasi/Niam Tre still maintain this practice. The groom is accompanied by his male clan members and friends, while his female clan members do not attend the marriage ceremony at the bride’s house because it is deemed dishonourable and improper for the groom’s mother, sisters or nieces to attend as that would imply they have outcaste him or sold him permanently to the other clan. To do so would be like ‘ai khaw duh,’ a concept that actually means selling a clan member like a slave.
Some aspects of the Khasi Christian marriage today are out of tune with these fundamental cultural principles. In Christian marriages, it is the groom, who may be coming from a far distance, who has to patiently wait in the Church for the majestic arrival of the bride as if she would follow the husband to his village and home after the ceremony. The bride lives in her own village close to the Church. But in many cases, it has been observed that the bride and her entourage arrived to the venue one hour late than the stipulated time. To my perception, this is not only culturally odd but also demeaning to the groom’s party as well as to the Church functionaries who conduct the ceremony.
It is seen that when the bride and groom have taken their marriage vows, the master of ceremony announces that they are now husband and wife, and calls upon the man to open the veil covering the woman’s face and to kiss her. Personally, I like this part of the ceremony because it is emotional, dramatic and beautiful. However, from the cultural perspective, I must point out that public display of romantic physical intimacy between a man and a woman, even between husband and wife, is not in consonance with Khasi traditional ethics. We are now speaking about the inculturation of the Christian faith, but we see that acculturation is imperceptibly taking place instead. As said in the beginning, this article is not intended to criticize or object to anything, but only to point out the facts as they are. To be aware of the cultural nuances, and the positive or negative impact of the cultural residues and the external cultural elements on the Khasi society today.
