A discourse about men who demand headship over women
By Vanessa Kharbudon Ryngnga
Growing up in matrilineal Meghalaya, I never felt on par with the sons of the Meghalayan earth. Truth be told, I have often felt pressured by the usual constraints and the predictable gender biased “dos and don’ts” which were forced down my throat on a regular dose. For instance, curfew timings were tighter for me than my brothers. I was placed under the scanner more. In the church I attend, my ears were subjected to the same ‘thump in the chest’ male rhetoric of women shouldn’t wear pants (as if that could usher in Armageddon), women do this and women shouldn’t do that; most elderly women pay their abeyance to such dogma. Virgin women are bestowed the honour of a white wedding – apparently, the chastity belt is the sole sanction of women; while men sow their wild oats to their hearts’ content.
The same can be said of the Khasi dances of Ka Shad Suk Mynsiem and Ka Shad Weiking at the Pom-Blang Festival where only unmarried virgins (married ladies = persona non grata) are allowed to dance; but men, regardless of their virginal status, married or otherwise (phiang phiang bam sih or Casanovas, divorcees included) can prance all they want. Our Khasi culture is as guilty of placing the onus of virginity on the woman’s shoulders alone just like anywhere else, be it the Sharia law or the Sati Savitri narrative. It is an open secret that many men who don the robes of religion have mistresses and extra marital affairs without fear of any repercussions; molest and rape little boys and girls and will never pay for their crimes. The dorbar shnong and dorbar syiem remain under male bastion. Is there a locality which would elect a female rangbah dong or rangbah shnong? Pertaining to syiemships, what substantial reasons can anyone provide for women still being barred from serving as myntris and electing syiems and lyngdohs as chieftains and myntris? Why can’t a woman be presiding queen? Khasi queens are limited to being ceremonial “mother of the king” without any authority in the true sense of the term. Have we ever had women priests in the niam Khasi or Tre? Can matriliny Meghalaya claim a lady chief minister or a lady rangbah kur (clan head)? Isn’t it telling that the first part of the word, i.e. rangbah, infers that this is a seat only men occupy? Token titles do not count. I am talking about real authority. May we objectively reflect upon female discrimination, particularly in the light of tradition and customary practices.
Men everywhere seem to mandate submission as the role of womanhood. Some misuse religious texts as if invoking divine sanction upon female deference. But waving religious dogma does not intimidate all women. Some of us are not fooled so easily, if ever. God gave womenfolk common sense too. Some men beat their chests and harrumph that “ynda ka kynih ka kynthei ka pyrthei ka lah wai” (Khasi equivalent of ‘Lakshman-Rekha’). All cultures basically have the same rules that seek to put the woman in a cage. Khasis shrilly declare, “Ki kynthei Khasi kim shah lehbeiñ kum ki kynthei dkhar” (Khasi women are not ill-treated as their non-Khasi counterparts). Are we so naïve and blind to ground realities? This blindness is counter-productive as a blanket assumption is made about women here being fine and in control. Therefore these women, i.e. Khasi, Jaiñtia, Garo, do not need any special attention to ensure their rights. Let’s honestly ask ourselves: do we really control everything, vis-à-vis a woman’s right to self-autonomy? Case in point, if ka khatduh (youngest daughter) inherits everything, then why does her maternal uncles control her inheritance? Sons and daughters are taught to be deferential and unquestioning at the stature of our maternal uncles. The specter of the maternal uncle has loomed too large, even at the expense of equality, justice and liberty, to the point where the role of the husband and father has been reduced to that of (forgive my terminology) a dispensable breeding bull.
Consider that women are barred from donning the mantles of leadership be it in the Dorbar, Kur (clan), to religious rites and rituals, inclusive of ceremonies such as engagement and wedding to funeral rites. It is a Khasi held belief that women belong in domesticity. Note, the recurring theme of ‘taming woman’. Consider the separation of sexes reminiscent of the purdah system in gatherings where womenfolk sit separately from their menfolk. Note the way women automatically congregate in kitchens and elsewhere in funerals, kur gatherings, and so forth, while ki rangbah occupy the sitting rooms. It seems men are self-proclaimed intellectuals who pontificate on important issues while women are gossip mongers incapable of depth. Notice how a group of men will drone in their supercilious way about current events or sports and dismiss a woman’s opinion. The men won’t even bother to include women in their conversations. Their body language is telling her (in subtle but loud enough volumes) that she is intruding upon their sanctum sanctorum – as if all visible public space belongs to men. As a norm, she is expected to take on the waitressing role and take orders for tea and kwai with a smile that can rival an air hostess’ any day. Her presence is not even acknowledged. When she is introduced, she is not even worthy of decent eye contact, polite smile or a firm handshake. Can any Hynñiewtrep woman (without getting all defensive) honestly admit that she has been invited to lead kur plus dorbar shnong meetings, dorbar syiems, wedding besides funeral rites, and the like?
At this juncture, I see the words ‘Khasi Customary Law’ dancing before our eyes. Well, why can’t this law be revised as per the needs? It is not set in stone – even if it is – we can always use the chisel or a stick of dynamite. A study by the Hyderabad-based National Institute of Nutrition, found that Meghalayan mothers were among the most anaemic in the country. This was attributed to an incapacitating lack of awareness and education about their own health and needs (http://indiatogether.org/women/articles/matriliny.htm). A perusal of any survey reveals that Meghalaya also has a high rate of domestic abuse. The percentage of single mothers is the highest in the country. The mere absence of dowry, female feticide, wife burning and so on, amongst our women, is not an indicator that all is well.
Our beloved Khasi culture is not immune to this bias. Insensitive Khasi remarks such as, “ñiah kali ka kynthei hi te …”, “ynda lah kynih ka kynthei lah wai ka pyrthei,” “ka kynthei kam dei ban tuklar ka kam u rangbah”, “ki kynthei kiba lorni”, etc. are a giveaway that patriarchy is alive and kicking here.
I’m going to get personal with Meghalaya. Bear with me.
I start with the biggest problem which is electricity, as without it, our 21st century regime comes to a screeching halt. The chairmen of MeECL have always been men. The District Councils (DC), till late 2013, have always been a male bastion. Can the DC honestly claim to have faithfully, without any vested interests, implemented the Sixth Schedule? Since 1972, our MLAs (meaning our leaders) have always been 90% men. Coal mafia equals male dons. Militant outfits viz. HNLC and GNLA are manned by man. Let’s not be in denial about the politician-militant-business community nexus. Ask yourselves, who are the ring leaders? In almost forty years of statehood, what does the state have to show on its report card? Grades A in corruption, red-tapism and nepotism – despite calling ourselves a democracy.
To make matters worse, most of our politicos neither possess any decency nor conscience sitting in pews, partaking of communion and back slapping the clergy as if best of chums. From your despicably hypocritical behaviour, it is conclusive that the many religious discourses you attend along with the many religious titles you flaunt have no bearing upon your conscience and moral aptitude. You shame and debase the religious establishment. I conclude this segment with a salute (read slap) to all our chief ministers who are overdosed on testosterone especially our present one who is always seen in some place other than his own state. If you cannot be a productive head/efficient CEO of Meghalaya, then please take the moral high road of stepping down and for the sake of your state, kindly let someone else more efficient than you and without any links to militants or mafiosos take over the reins of our crumbling state.
Religious heads of all religions in our state have stubbornly belittled women. Men have always held the guns. Has any religious body ever taken a public, legal and no-nonsense stand against human trafficking, sexual abuse, the mafiosos, and political-militant nexus?
The intentional mismanagement of our state and world is there for all to see. Men, I say this as respectfully as I can. Just review the ways and means you have ministered over the state. Imagine yourselves standing before a review panel or judge – no bribes or favours will be entertained by this panel.
How would you fare?
What about rape and molestation, wounding physically and scarring emotionally and psychologically? Fathers, uncles, brothers, cousins and so called god men are the perpetrators. Male: politicians, bureaucrats, government servants, businessmen, etc. are notorious for abusing their status by demanding sexual favours and hiring escorts young enough to be their daughters. Your behaviour is utterly atrocious. Do you spare a thought for the kind of legacy you are leaving? What is sad and seemingly unforgivable is the fact that even when fathers and brothers learn of their daughters’ and wives’ traumatic experiences, they do nothing. Ask yourselves why do you side with the criminal? Why do you not defend your own? Does your status in society outweigh your own sister’s pain? Does your daughter mean so little to you? Why do you give so much importance to what society and kith and kin (ki kur, ki kha) say? You keep silent because the guilty party is your own son, brother, nephew, cousin, pastor, priest, etc. If traditions of men and customs of yore threaten (as they do) to trample your own daughter’s/wife’s worth, then it is time to do away with such customary superstition. The welfare of a person trumps an idea any day.
Women need for men to be Real Men sans customs, tradition or whatever the latest pop culture trends are. Had men done their part in protecting and championing women’s honour and rights, I believe the feminist movement would have never been birthed. What is the use of, as Khasis believe, your khat-ar bor (men having 12 strengths versus women with one) if you fail to channelize it for the good of all? Weak men equals weak society. Abysmal rulers lead to despondent subjects. Corrupt leaders produce equally corrupt followers. True leaders lead by example not by crooning orders. Give a thought to the next generation of young lads. Who are their role models? Who will they look up to? The tymmen basan (church elder) and his ilk who sit pompously in bureaucratic chairs and accept bribes under the table? The going-to-burst-anytime steroid wrestler? The movie hero with zero family values? The party animal, intoxicated musician? Let’s not even talk about reality stars (read The Situation. If he is someone your son is looking at, then you should be scratching your head in worry).
Your behaviour has proven beyond all reasonable doubt that you cannot be trusted. Your decisions are selfish and made in regards to propelling your own status in society. Therefore, how can woman (read daughters, sisters, wives, et al) be expected to submit to man who has a proven track record of mismanagement? How can we trust man who has exhibited zero integrity?
I am beseeching menfolk to take the time for much needed soul searching. You cannot effectively don the mantle of leadership when you have pillaged the land and environment, plundered the earth’s resources and raped women and children. How can you lead when your own moral conscience has been seared with iron? Leaders bereft of morality and devoid of values morph into Adolph Hitler clones and those crack pots who have messed up North Korea.
Permit me to state that I am in no way suggesting that women grab hold of crown and scepter while throwing fetters and shackles on men and such nonsense. Please do not misinterpret these lamentations as those oozing from a feminist to hate on and disparage men. I do not dream of sporting fangs, baying for male blood and hate parades. I do not in the least bit hate men. I eagerly await men of honour and depth to arise. Glimpse that which is unwritten as well, and arrive at meaningful conclusions.
I humbly bid you to look within and become a better leader as you claim to be one. May humanity be blessed by men of character, men with noble hearts, men of valour and true moral courage, men of their word who call a spade, a spade and men who are not confused between truth and falsity. Men who are not obsessed with women’s “rightful roles” and “rightful positions!”
I bid adieu with this thought: If you are ill, would you see a competent doctor or a quack?