Paramjit Bakhshi
Please bear with me while I share, this imaginative little story, sent to me by a friend on Whatsapp.
“Angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said: ‘I have to talk to you. We have some Indians here in Heaven and they are causing problems. They’re swinging on the pearly Gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce & Gabbana saris instead of their white robes, they are driving Mercedes and BMW’s instead of the chariots, and they’re selling off their halos at discounted prices”.
They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear or clean, since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas & drinking chai (tea). Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!
They do not believe in discipline and push their way through the line.’
The Lord said, ‘Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.’
Gabriel calls Satan on the phone…
Satan answers the phone: ‘Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.’
Satan returns to the phone, ‘OK I’m back. What can I do for you?’
Gabriel: ‘I just wanted to know what kind of problems you’re having down there. Satan says: ‘Hold on again. I need to check on something.’
‘After about 2 minutes, Satan returns to the phone and says: ‘I’m back. Now what was the question?’
Gabriel repeats the question: ‘What kind of problems are you having down there?’
Satan says: ‘Man I don’t believe this… Hold on.’ This time Satan was gone at least 5 minutes.
He returns and says: “I’m sorry Gabriel, I can’t talk right now. These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and are trying to make Hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire, which is there to keep them uncomfortably hot!!
And since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone & Internet connection between Heaven & Hell, between ME & GOD!!
They have started a social network service for the troubled, and believe in Karma, and are good in convincing others.
Some were trying to start a chai pakora, chole-batura, dosa& samosa, barfi, chakli and dhokla shop, which I had to stop.
They are excellent in corrupting everyone, and my staff is being bribed by them.
I am having difficulty in controlling the graft and corruption in Hell.
They never complain as this place seems to be better than from where they came.
I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them.
I am therefore requesting, “O GOD, PLEASE send them back to earth as soon as they arrive – for re-birth.”
So now you know – “why Indians are the only ones that are re-born.”
This set me thinking a bit. I wondered how Meghalayans would behave in Heaven and Hell. Perhaps our story would be as follows:
Angel Gabriel comes to the Lord and says, “O Lord I have to talk to you. We have some Meghalayans here and they are creating problems. They have cut up all the beautiful tress in heaven and have sold them to Satan to keep his hellish fires burning. With all this degradation the temperature of heaven has gone up O Lord. What am I to do?”
The Lord replies: “O Gabriel, for heaven’s sake, use your brains. Don’t come to me with all these minor problems. All Meghalayans are my children, and you will have to find a way to deal with them. Anyway you can always send the troublesome ones to hell, although I am not sure whether Satan will want them, there too. It appears he is also having some problems with them.”
Gabriel responds: “But Lord you have not heard my full story. After the forests were finished by them, they have started mining coal. All my rivers are being polluted now. Believe me Lord, I have tried very hard and even came up with the New Gabriel Testament (NGT) to ban all mining but they are adamant that something called the Sixth Schedule has precedence over it. Does it really O Lord? They tell me that destruction of heaven for prosperity isn’t really a sin. In fact they boast that they destroyed their earthly paradise but still made it to my heaven on some reservation or quota system.”
Before the Lord could answer Gabriel, his phone starts to ring. The Lord picks it up and says, “Hello.”
“It’s me Satan, O Lord, sorry to disturb you, but I was just wondering if Angel Gabriel is with you. He is not answering his phone.’
The Lord not being in a mood to handle any more disagreements, instructs Angel Gabriel to return to heaven and talk to Satan one on one.
So Angel Gabriel dials the number to hell and says. “Hi Satan, I believe you were looking for me.”
“Looking for you, is that what you think? Actually I am looking for coal because my fires are all going out. I believe you have come up with some NGT shenanigans. My people are getting so comfortable here that they want to now engineer a coup and take over the administration of hell. Even you dear Gabriel cannot afford to allow such nonsense.”
Gabriel says, “Well, the Lord told me that you were having some problems, but I didn’t realise they were so severe. Anyway I still can’t help you because I am still trying to sort out some pressing heavenly issues. With all your demand for fuel, my heaven is turning into hell and believe me I couldn’t sympathise or help you even if I wanted to. Bye Satan.”
“Don’t hang up Gabriel”, screams Satan in desperation, “Listen these are not my problems alone. Sooner or later my problems are going to affect you, and it is better that we co operate .“
“How is that Satan?” counters Angel Gabriel somewhat incredulously.
“Well”, says Satan, “some of these Meghalayans have very big egos.”
“Tell me something new”, interjects Gabriel, “some of them even told me that Heaven is their birthright, even if they turn it into hell.”
“Believe me, Gabriel,” says Satan, “after a while these guys will not allow a distinction to be made between Heaven and Hell”
“Well if you are trying to tell me about a cold hell and involve me in your problems then believe me I am not that stupid”, says Gabriel a little self righteously.
“No, no, no, Gabriel I am not talking environment. You think environment can be a issue in hell. It is politics I am more concerned about. You see Gabriel, you being the guardian of Heaven, are not used to politics. But believe me, with roughly all the politicians in my jurisdiction, it is politics which scares me.
“What you say is somewhat true Satan, but you better explain things to me properly, “says Gabriel.
“Well it’s like this. I have heard some alarming news from my informers. They tell me that Meghalayans are experts not just at playing with the environment but at toppling governments too. They used to do this very often back on earth. Mind you such toppling games were just sport for them, because though they did not improve matters for them the political playoffs sure provided gossip and proved a source of nail biting suspense for all the Meghalayans.
“Well considering how badly you run things I would not be surprised if somebody topples you Satan”, says Gabriel.
“Now, now, don’t go all goody goody on me Gabriel. You know if they succeed in toppling me it isn’t going to be good news for you too”, says Satan with wicked smile.
“How so, Satan, I don’t have any problems with politics in heaven, yet.”
“Well now with the dual posts having received a boost, please don’t be surprised if some of my guys now want to unseat you too. We’d both become jobless” warns Satan just before Meghalayans sever the phone connection built by the tech savvy Indians.
Well now you know why Meghalaya is a seamless combination of heaven and hell. We are very adept at creating hell in our little heaven both politically and environmentally and are perhaps destined to live in this state of limbo forever.
May a little humour see us through?
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