By Robert Clements
In my very vivid imagination, I see that the ban has made some people a bit unruly: “We were worried when beef was banned,” remarked a villager, “Added to that, our chief minister decided to make beer scarce, so the only pastime left was bullying!”
As beef gets banned and beer prohibited in some parts of India, bullying seems to be replacing the culinary delights of eating and drinking in those places. In my very vivid imagination, I see that the ban has made some people a bit unruly: “We were worried when beef was banned,” remarked a villager, “Added to that, our chief minister decided to make beer scarce, so the only pastime left was bullying!”
“And what a wonderful recreation it is!” agreed a city resident, “If I’d known it was such fun, I’d have given up beer and beef a long time ago!”
They both watched as their leader, a local ruffian swaggered over, “Today is Sunday!” he said.
“So, no bullying today?” they both asked looking mournful, “We don’t want any holidays from bullying, that’s the only way, I can handle the craving in my belly and the cries of my liver!”
“I never said it’s a holiday!” smiled their local leader, “Today we scare church goers in their churches!”
“Hurray!” cried the two and gathering a gang rushed into a local church, tore their religious books and looked the priest in the face, “You are converting our people!” they both shouted.
“These are our regular worshippers!” said the worried priest, “We are not doing any conversion!”
With a war cry, they turned over the pews, pinned the people against the wall, slapped women and children, smashed a few sacred items and then ran out triumphant.
“That was good fun!” shouted the villager.
“I didn’t even feel the need for a sip of beer!”
“Or me, beef!” said the villager, “Hey look, why is that boy standing alone?” They both looked at a young lad talking on his phone, standing in the shade while he spoke.
“When a boy stands alone, he is an eve teaser or he’s up to love-jihad!” shouted the resident.
“Eve teasers are a menace to society, that’s what the chief minister said!”
The boy speaking on the phone suddenly found himself thrown to the ground. He screamed, and his mother who he was speaking to on the other end, shouted his name, but her words went unheard as his phone fell on the ground and was trampled on roughly by the two. “Never go after our women!” they cried as they beat him up and left him a crumpled mess.
“What’s that?” asked the villager.
“That’s the airport!” said the city person proudly, feeling clever he knew so much more than the villager. “Here planes carrying moneyed, sophisticated people from one city to another!”
“Sophisticated people?” asked the villager as he pointed to people yelling and shouting, “Don’t see much sophistication around!” They both ran to the aircraft and were just in time to see a man coming out with his pants wet.
“It’s a passenger and looks like he’s peed in the plane!” cried the villager, “he seems to be turning your so called sophisticated air-travel into a circus!”
“You villagers don’t have to become civilized!” shouted the city dweller, “We city dwellers are becoming uncivilized!”
“Come lets go in and do what that passenger just did!” cried the other two and to the horror of the people who had de-boarded they passed water all over, like little children. They came running out boarded an ambulance and near the hospital one of them shouted, “Look there’s a crowd at the hospital!”
“Could be an accident!” said the city dweller, but looking with interest as he heard shouting, “Maybe we better see what’s happening!”
They walked across to the hospital, and watched as people walked to the casualty department carrying iron rods and other dangerous implements, “What’s happening inside?” they asked one of the men, “Why are you all carrying these weapons?”
“Doctor bashing!” grinned the man, “We are on our way to bash the local doctor and the other interns?”
“What did he do?” asked the villager.
“Is there need for any reason to bash doctors anymore in our country?” asked the men walking into the hospital. “Here take these two iron rods! They are a bit light so you two can attack the women doctors!”
The two entered the hospital, and looked around for saris and housecoats. They found a lady doctor in a corner and rushed at her. She ran out screaming but not before they had tripped her and dealt her a few blows. There were other doctors and interns and the two had a field time in the hospital, also breaking a cardio-machine, an X-ray unit and bottles of stored blood. They grinned as they saw the bloodied mess they had made together.
They were truly proud of themselves.
It was evening when the two sauntered back together, “We are helping improve our country, after the beef and beer ban!” they said to one another.
“That’s true!” said the city resident. “I feel pure and holy today!”
“If our country had gone through this ban before, we would have been an untainted, chaste and wholesome people!” said the villager.
“It feels like having a bath in a sacred river!” said the city man, “I feel so transformed inside, I feel proud to say I am truly a citizen of our nation! It is important we tell more and more people to join in this bullying movement! We can bring about a parivarthan, a change for the better!”
“I agree,” said the villager, “What a lovely feeling it is!”
“I hope tomorrow we have more of the same!” said the city man, “It was fun beating those church people, that romeo too, and I quite liked helping that man with using his chappal. That doctor bashing was fun! With all that excitement, I’m a bit hungry now!”
“Join me for dinner!” winked his friend the villager. “I might be able to serve you something you may relish! My wife has been able to lay hands on some smuggled meat!”
“Excellent!” shouted the city man, “And I’ve got some illegal home crafted beer with me! Let’s celebrate this ban together!”
And the virtuous two walked piously and purposefully towards their celebration dinner..!
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