Tuesday, July 16, 2024

Bob’s Banter


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By Robert Clements

The Trump Haircut..!
There are many in this world, millions I’m told who need to dress like a cult figure. Even in India, after Prime Minister Modi started wearing his multi-colored jackets, many throughout the country followed suit, filling the country with Namo lookalikes, with some not blessed with a 56 inch chest looking a tad ludicrous! The rose nestling on the jacket of the late Jawaharlal Nehru stood the test of time and there are still many including the late Dev Anand who loved being seen with the red flower seductively adorning their jackets.
But rumour has it that such cult fashions are slowly moving away from jackets and roses to actual physical appearances. Though changing one’s physical self to look like someone else, especially a new world leader is not as easy as wearing a jacket or sticking a rose on one’s suit, which a worried association found as they met:
It was at the International Barbers Association’s emergency meeting at some unknown place that barbers all over the world showed their agitation, “Trump seems to be making a comeback,” screamed a haircutting delegate with a buzz cut, his voice filled with anguish and concern, “but we are not able to master the Trump haircut!” The other delegates in the large hall shook their heads in acknowledgement and looked at one another in despair. “It is indeed a serious problem!” shouted a delegate from India, “Hundreds and thousands of our youth in every city in our country want to have the Trump look, have even got their hair dyed flaxen like Donald, but finally when we cut their hair we never get it right!”
Again, all the other members in the room shook their heads in agreement. They all seemed to have faced the same problem, and the feeling of despair was turning into a deeper sense of impending gloom. “I have not been paid by many of my clients because they leave my saloon disappointed with the result!” wept a barber from South Korea. “I know the North Koreans are laughing at my attempt to imitate the American president-elect, but what am I to do, all the youth want that same look?” From his lofty podium, the President of the International Barbers Association realized with deep concern the magnitude of the problem affecting barbers throughout the world. He had heard rumours about the unsuccessfulness of haircutters giving their clients the Trump cut, had even seen some of the best barbers in the world weeping with frustration over their inability to master the technique, and after much contemplation and deliberation had called this extraordinary emergency meeting to find a solution to this prodigious problem of what he thought was of a mammoth proportion. But all he saw was more and more frustration with no answers. “Have you tried changing your tools?” he asked half-heartedly, knowing even as he spoke that like a carpenter a barber always blamed his tools for shoddy workmanship.
“What do you want us to use? New Zealand sheep shears?” asked a delegate disdainfully as other barbers sniggered, and the president decided not to proceed with such suggestions.
There was a commotion somewhere in the seats at the end of the huge hall, and he suddenly looked with interest as an old barber put up his hand, “I think,” said the man, his voice trembling with age, “That I have the solution!”
“Hear, hear!” shouted the delegates in unison.
“But,” continued the ancient delegate, “It is not you barbers, hair stylists or whatever you call yourselves who can do it…”
“Then who can?” shouted the delegates, “And who are you?”
“Quiet!” shouted the President of the International Barbers Association, banging his gavel onto the table, as other delegates gave vent to their frustration by drowning out the feeble voice of the old man. He knew members were fed up, but he also knew any suggestion was welcome at this moment, and could be the solution to the evasive Trump Haircut, “Silence!” he shouted, “Let our old friend speak!”
The members reluctantly turned with disinterest towards the old man and even gave him a mike to hear more clearly the feeble voice, “I was Hitler’s barber,” said the ancient.
The was another uproar in the hall, and the president continued banging his hammer till the members settled down to listen.
“When I was Hitler’s barber,“ continued the old man, his voice getting stronger, “there were many barbers who tried to imitate the Fuhrer’s hairstyle during the mad man’s lifetime. We failed. We also had a meeting like this, researched and deliberated on the problem and do you know what we got to know?”
“Speak up old man, we are listening!” said a few members, now all ears to find a solution.
“We found,“ said the old man, “that such haircuts were successful only when the customer had the mindset of the person who’s hairstyle he wanted to imitate! So, to have Trumps hairstyle, your client needs to have Trump’s mind. And if you don’t, you need a psychologist alongside the barber to work on the customer to make it happen!”
“Hear! Hear!” shouted all the delegates, “The old man could be right!” “I am right!” whispered the old barber.
“We will employ a psychologist in every saloon,” said a stylish barber from Brooklyn. “Yes, that will work,” quivered the voice of Hitler’s barber, “A specialist who will be able to thrust paranoia and hate and anger into your clients! One who will fill suspicion into their hearts and make each Trump Cut client a builder of racist walls, he will surround himself with! Then you will see the haircut succeed!”
The old delegate, Hitler’s former barber, sat down, as all the members of the International Barbers Association roared with approval and carried forth a resolution to employ psychologists and therapists in every barber shop, worldwide. Professional men and women who would counsel their clients in negativity and crassness till the Trump Cut sat successfully on their heads..!
Read more in the author’s motivational book DARE available on Amazon.in
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