By Ellerine Diengdoh
Disclaimer:
The following piece is a work of absolute fiction and any resemblance to real persons, living or habitually absent, is purely coincidental. No employees, tea breaks, or mysteriously disappearing files were harmed in the making of this satire. If you find yourself offended, please take comfort in knowing you were probably not the only one. And if you were not offended, congratulations, you might be the chair!
“We deserve what we get and we get what we deserve,” this is not a proverb, it is a diagnosis of our collective “work” culture in Meghalaya. For decades, we’ve turned the magnifying glass on the government, yelling “corruption!” and “negligence!” with the unbridled passion of a Shakespearean mob. But today, we will turn it back on ourselves. We will examine us the employees, the functionaries, the folks on the frontlines where government inefficiency often begins. Because if we look closely, the problem is not just “up there,” it is also draping over the colleague’s desk, taking a kwai-break and whispering the same tired gossip for the 5th time today!
Now, I will take you on a guided tour, to the “Land of Permanent Pending”. A place many of us know all too well and if we are brave enough to look closely, we will recognise the specimens we encounter there:
1.Artificial Ignorance (AI)
Habitat: Commonly found near a file, a task, or a basic instruction, though they instinctively avoid all three.
Behaviour: Believed to be highly evolved and very qualified, but when asked to perform a task, they suddenly lose all language skills and memory. They are known to feign confusion so convincingly that even trained actors take notes.
2. Operation Double Agents (ODA)
Habitat: These species can walk and slither and are often found lurking near both your desk and the boss’s office.
Behaviour: Masters of duplicity and first cousins of the chameleon. They whisper sweet anti-management gossip to you and then march upstairs to report your every word.
3. Bare Minimum Crew (BMC)
Habitat: In front of the Boss’ office or around the work place looking tired.
Behaviour: They’ve been going through “a personal crisis” since the summer of 69. They perform just enough to avoid termination. Attendance is 100%, productivity is ZERO.
4. Sweet-Talk Strategists (STS)
Habitat: Wherever a boss/ boss’ wife’s birthday/ anniversary is happening.
Behaviour: Their true skills lie in complimenting superiors, forwarding devotionals/motivational memes and messages and dreaming up creative excuses for not attending meetings and work. Can rise through the ranks without even a lifting a stapler.
5. The Misunderstood Geniuses (TMG)
Habitat: In a cloud of self-pity and old certificates.
Behaviour: Born brilliant but tragically ignored. They believe they are God’s gift to mankind and everyone else is too stupid to appreciate their genius. They will never apply themselves, but will give you a five-hour monologue on how they would have done it better.
6. The Houdinis (TH)
Habitat: Unconfirmed.
Behaviour: Technically employed. Rarely seen. You’re more likely to spot “Bah Jyllud” than this person at their desk. Yet, on payday, their signature is always first.
7. The Award Chasers (TAC)
Habitat: In every committee, WhatsApp group, and official photo ops.
Behaviour: Usually perched somewhere with just enough power to delegate everything except praise. Their full-time job is to look like they have a full-time job. They survive entirely on borrowed effort, riding on other people’s backs like it is free public transport. You do the work, they will write the foreword. You write the report, they will ask you to, “just add my name somewhere at the end”.
8. The Crabs in the Bucket (TCB)
Habitat: Behind you, beside you, occasionally smiling at you.
Behaviour: These creatures operate in packs, united by one mission, no one must rise above the group. If you’re efficient, you’re “showing off”. If you’re lazy, you’re “useless.” If you’re promoted, you’re “well connected.” Their method is simple, don’t improve, don’t let others improve, and if anyone tries, yank them back down with gossip and character assassination.
9. The Name Droppers (TND)
Habitat: Any conversation where status needs to be established.
Behaviour: “I know him” is their mantra. They survive off vague connections, like the one time their cousin shook hands with the Chief Secretary. That is all you need to know.
10. The Divine Appointees (TDA)
Habitat: Wherever power resides.
Behaviour: These divine creatures were never selected, they were ordained. Their qualifications being the niece of a former DC or the son-in-law of a powerful contractor. Question them and you are attacking a political lineage. Their job description reads “Exist”.
A groundbreaking report by the Institute of Professional Laziness and Strategic Office Loitering (IPLSOL), 1st April 2025, has revealed some shocking statistics:
It was found that 82% of government employees believe they are overworked, even though 67% of them weren’t exactly sure what their job titles were.
82% of employees feel overworked (mostly by life, not by work).
100% agreed that “someone should do something” but were not available for a follow-up.
In fact, when asked why work in Meghalaya moves at the speed of a continental drift, most participants cited “weather,” “traffic” and “the system,” as their top three excuses. The researchers were later unavailable for comment, as they had all applied for study leave.
These are the sum of our collective sins, and the sad truth is that we have adapted perfectly to this. We have learned to survive in this prehistoric swamp of red tape by becoming part of it. We even teach our children to aim only for government jobs, not because we want them to make a difference, but as a shortcut to a security without scrutiny. We blame “the system”, yet we are fluent in it. We know exactly where it cracks and where to slip through.
Deep down, we do not want a better system, we want a familiar one. One where we do the bare minimum and still feel entitled to a pension, a promotion and respect we have not earned.
Our leaders are not some strange, corrupt aliens who landed from another planet. They are homegrown, organic and 100% locally sourced. They are exactly what happens when you take the average citizen, add power, remove consequences and give them a podium. They loot with impunity because we taught them how. We steal too. We steal time, we steal credit, we pocket schemes, we steal office supplies, we steal opportunities that belong to someone else. We fudge reports, fake receipts, pull strings, grease palms, cut corners. We forget that stealing a safety pin or hijacking a scheme meant to electrify an entire village, is still stealing. Petty or grand, it comes from the same place!
Why then do we rage at their arrogance, scoff at their greed, debate about reforms from the comfort and security of our homes, only to turn around and cheat the system the moment no one is watching? Let us drop the act. We are not powerless, we are complicit! We don’t just tolerate corruption, we nurture it and pass it down like a family recipe.
We did not end up with corrupt leaders by accident, we built them, lie by lie, bribe by bribe, silence by silence. They did not rise on their own, we lifted them, carried them on our backs and cheered them on. So when the stench hits, don’t look up. Look in the mirror. That rot? It’s us!