By Dr Neena Verma
Come the month of May and the world begins preparing to shower the mothers and the mother-figures with love, admiration and blessings on the second Sunday of May, the day we popularly celebrate as Mother’s Day. The word itself evokes such a joyous bunch of emotions for all of us. All! Yes, of-course. Isn’t it! Well, except…
Except ironically for some chosen mothers who live with the enduring grief arising from the loss of a child, something that experts call the ultimate bereavement. Not without reason though. “Whatever be the age of the child, ultimate bereavement is extremely difficult to bear. This pain feels no less in case of an unborn child.” as I explain on Page 15 of my book “Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage”. Unfortunately, the grief arising from the loss of pregnancy (miscarriage), stillbirth, and infertility is mostly regarded as a mere physiological event, and not even acknowledged as a loss. This does not in any way reduce the intensity of the pain arising from the loss of a child, whatever their age or stage – a pain unthinkably hard to understand, even harder to express, and wrenchingly difficult to live with.
Acknowledging this harsh reality, Carly Marie Dudley, a mother in Australia who experienced the indescribable pain of parental bereavement after the stillbirth of her child, decided to dedicate the first Sunday of May to honour the grief of bereaved mothers. Coming a week ahead, the Bereaved Mother’s Day is not meant to dim or dilute the joy of the popular Mother’s Day. Instead, it gently seeks to remind people to remember the mothers whose motherhood is traumatized or torn in the wake of losing a child (or the dream of a child) to bereavement, pregnancy loss, stillbirth, infant loss, disappearance or infertility. It simply seeks to honour their lost motherhood (or the dream thereof) nonetheless.
The first Sunday of May is not a day that Hallmark would create a card for. Certainly not a day, anyone of us should ever have to commemorate or wish to live through. Yet, it is surely a day when we should consider holding an affirmative and compassionate space for bereaved mothers (as well as fathers) as they honour their traumatized motherhood, allow their grief to be affirmed, help their broken hearts re-member their shattered parts, and let the haunting absence of their lost child become the eternal love-spring of remembrance.
True indeed, nothing can fully heal the wound of bereaved parenthood, especially motherhood. Not just emotionally entwined, a mother is also biologically bonded with her child (including a miscarried fetus) through the mystical phenomenon of micro-chimerism that enables trans-placental bi-directional cell exchange between the foetus and the mother. Fetal microchimeric cells tend to stay behind in the mother’s body, granting the mother-child bond a deeply embedded enduring quality. I understand this well as a grief specialist. And I know this intimately well as a bereaved mother myself, who also miscarried thrice.
Nonetheless, the therapeutic ritual of ‘Bereaved Mother’s Day’ offers balm, however tiny, to allow this wrenching grief to be recognized and healed. This day allows grieving mothers their due space in the collective consciousness of the mainstream society, that in no way competes with or disrupts the joy of popular Mother’s Day. Instead it softly seeks its own tiny space alongside, just so the invisible pain of grieving mothers can be acknowledged and allowed a healthy expression.
Motherhood is a trying journey anyway. The pain of child loss makes it unimaginably harder. Its grief lingers over years, decades, sometimes an entire lifetime. If left unrecognized, unaddressed and unhealed, the grieving brain and body can keep the score. I therefore call upon you to please offer compassionate companionship to any grieving mother you know, especially on the ‘Bereaved Mother’s day’, maybe also on the popular Mother’s Day if they so desire.
You may ask how? Well, you do not need to be a grief expert to companion someone in their grief. You just need a genuinely compassionate and caring heart and mind. Allow your inherent sensitivity to be your guide in the ‘here and now’ space and time of your interaction with them. Please know you do not need to fix their grief or help them feel better. You just need to hold a safe space for them where their vulnerabilities find a safe healthy expression and their inner guide begins to show up. Grief after-all is just another expression of love. An expression in lament albeit. Please avoid saying “it is God’s will”. How do you think a grieving parent’s anguished mind would reconcile with the traumatizing reality that they have to outlive their child! “Be strong”, “be brave”, ‘let go”, “move on” and “s/he is in a better place” – are all unkind and unhelpful cliches and sermons that I urge you to please avoid.
“Time heals.” Well! Not quite. In most cases of ultimate bereavement, time may not bring closure. Love abides. And being the cry song of love, so does grief. And that is fine too, as long as there are no pathological complications in which case professional help should surely be taken. But if you see grief abiding with time, avoid sermonising or pushing them to hasten or force-close their grief process. This way, you may unwittingly end up triggering guilt, shame or self-doubt, and cause them to self-isolate, withdraw and go quiet. The goal of your grief companioning should instead be to help them stay open, and grieve in a healthy way, without fear of judgment, shame or sermon. If you show up in a compassionate and mindfully present way – you will notice that slowly their grief may begin to soften and transform itself, sometimes even into a deeper purpose or higher mission.
Intriguing, yet true, the worst fear of a grieving parent, more so of a mother, is that their child will be forgotten. And their most cherished secret hope is that the world will not just remember but honour and celebrate their gone-child. If you truly mean to care for a grieving parent, start by talking about their forever-child. It is only a misconception that mentioning their deceased child will trigger or intensify bereaved parents’ grief. The truth is that nothing heals their grieving heart and mind as lovingly as the assurance that the world remembers their mortally absent, yet eternally present child. Be gentle, patient, mindful, compassionate and responsive of-course; and kindle conversation about their deceased child. Bereaved mothers keep their child alive in the stories they love to tell or hear of and about their child. They deserve to, want to and seek to keep their motherhood alive. And the warmest way you can help is by letting them hear their child’s name. This ‘International Bereaved Mother’s Day’ (3rd May, 2026), please get over your anxiety, awkwardness, doubt or hesitation. Create a safe space where a grieving mother can tell you her story, allow her grief an expression, and let her pain find therapeutic and transformative support in your compassionate presence.
(The author – Dr Neena Verma is a Resilience, Grief & Post-traumatic Growth Specialist, Appreciative Inquiry Expert, and a best-selling author of three books. Reach her at [email protected])
