By Bhogtoram Mawroh
A common slur against matrilineal customs is that they somehow cause broken families and the high prevalence of single parenthood in Meghalaya. This claim comes from a certain study titled ‘Exploratory Study on the Socio-Economic Status and Problems of Single Mothers in Meghalaya’ conducted by the Meghalaya State Commission for Women (MSCW). The study took place between October 2016 and June 2017, covering seven of the then 11 districts. I have been trying to locate this report but so far have been unsuccessful. Whatever I could gather from the news reports about this study is that of the seven districts, Ri Bhoi had the highest percentage of single mothers at 19.2%, followed by West Khasi Hills (16.6%) and West Garo Hills (15.2%) while East Khasi Hills had 10.6% single mothers. If one were to combine the % from these four districts, the average % of family with single mothers comes to around 15%. This is higher than the national average which, according to another news report, based on the survey by the UN (doesn’t mention which agency did it) was 7% or half of Meghalaya’s figure. This gives rise to the narrative that somehow matrilineal customs are the reason broken families abound in the state. Of course, many are unaware or ignored the fact that the figures for single parenthood across the globe are much higher than those found in Meghalaya.
In 2019, the Pew Research Center, a respected research group in Washington, D.C., released data about single-parent households. It found that the highest percentage of single-parent homes are in the US at 23%, followed by the UK at 21%, São Tomé and Príncipe at 19%, Russia at 18%, Kenya and France at 16%, Ireland at 14%, Germany at 12%, and Uganda at 10%. One can see that six out of the nine top countries have figures higher than that of Meghalaya. One can already notice that the countries are quite diverse and have representation from every continent except for South America and Australia. Some are first world countries while others are second and third world countries. But there are some commonalities as well. A common feature is that the dominant populations in these countries do not follow matrilineal customs. It’s difficult to understand, therefore, how societies with patrilineal customs could have a higher rate of single parenthood than Meghalaya, where matrilineal customs are blamed for this phenomenon. If one were to look carefully, there’s another similarity that runs across all these countries which they share with Meghalaya – the populations of these regions are predominantly Christian. This begs whether it is not the matrilineal culture but it was the introduction of Christianity (a highly patriarchal religion) which created the conditions for broken families subsequently leading to the phenomenon of single parenthood. Some argue that correlation does not equal causation, meaning that just because all regions with high rates of single parenthood are predominantly Christian, it doesn’t mean Christianity is the cause. But those who know a little of statistics will also know that correlation is the first condition for establishing causation. Let us examine who is to be blamed for the broken families in our state, the matrilineal customs or Christianity.
Although not heard anymore, the original marital customs that must have been in vogue among the Khasi were like the concept of ‘walking marriage’ among the Mosuo people of Southern China. The husband or partner, treated as a guest by the woman’s family, only comes at night and returns to his maternal home at daybreak. PRT Gurdon corroborated the existence of this custom in his 1914 book ‘the Khasis’. In the ‘Marriage’ section, he described that among the Synteng (another name for the Pnar), the husband visits his mother-in-law’s house only after dark. While there, he does not “eat, smoke, or even partake of betel-nut there … because none of his earnings go to support this house, therefore it is not etiquette for him to partake of food or other refreshment there.” Jowai residents, specifically the Synteng/Pnar, reported this, claiming their niam (religious ceremonies) were purer than those of other Khasis. They believed their practices were closer to ancient traditions. That the matrilineal Musou of China and Minangkabau of Indonesia have similar customs, husbands treated as guests in their mother-in-law’s house and not a permanent resident proves that the information reported in the book was indeed accurate. The culture of ‘walking marriages’ was indeed the most pure form of matrilineal customs.
In this original form of matrilineal custom, there is no possibility of a broken family leading to single parenthood because a single parent always made up the family. The mother, assisted by her brothers, mother, and grandmother, raises the child. Critics often argue that fathers play a very limited role in this arrangement, and they are only seen as “breeding bulls.” But what people downplay is the role of a Khasi man towards his sister’s children because they belong to the same kur rather than his own, who belong to his wife’s kur. Therefore, which role, uncle or father, is considered more important depends on which culture, Khasi or Middle Eastern Christian, is prioritized.
In a Middle Eastern (Semitic) Christian worldview—encompassing cultures such as those of the Jews and Arabs—marriage, blood, or adoption defines family. Unlike the original Khasi culture, where husbands and wives do not live together, a Middle Eastern Christian worldview demands married couples to remain together. This then creates the condition for domestic strife. Khasi men who criticise matrilineal customs often complain that after marriage, they must move to their wives’ homes, where they often face disrespect, particularly from their mothers-in-law. However, no one acknowledges that women often face similar treatment when they move to their husband’s house. So why is a woman’s mistreatment not given the same importance as that of men? Does this again not show the influence of a patriarchal Christianity according to which a wife submits to her husband who has authority over her? So, it is more of a complaint from men who view Christianity as more important than Khasi customs.
Another big problem that has plagued not just our society but also many others throughout the world is that of domestic violence against women. Such a situation would not arise in traditional Khasi society because the husband and wife are not staying together. So, the ‘misunderstanding’ that leads to the man assaulting the woman actually emerges from a patriarchal system which treats one gender as more superior to the other. A woman being the one who is dependent on the husband is the one who usually suffers from the violence. However, in a matrilineal society mothers and uncles share the responsibility of raising children and managing the household in a matrilineal society, resulting in equal treatment. Also, since they are living in the same house, they are not strangers who have become part of the family but have always been family; unlike in a patrilineal system where a woman leaves her house to come and stay with her husband, a stranger, and the rightful owner of the house where she is arriving. In the matrilineal system, both men and women always remain in their own homes and thus face no prospect of being discriminated against as the weaker sex.
So, the concept of broken family and single parenthood is very much borne out of the patrilineal logic, where a woman is torn away from her kin and put under the domination of her husband, who then can abandon her. One very important finding that another study done in 2022 titled ‘Report of the Exploratory Study on the Socio Economic Status and Problems of Single Mothers (SM) in Meghalaya’ by MSCW in collaboration with the Department of Anthropology at NEHU and Department of Social Welfare at MLCU was that over 60% of the prime factor for single mother is widowhood, i.e., the husband died and not that he runs away like popularly claimed (an early version of WhatsApp University knowledge). However, if you already have a bias against a particular perspective, you’ll interpret the information to fit your preconceived notions, ignoring what the data and logic actually show.
One argument could be that the percentage of single parents in India is less than 10% but it is a predominantly Hindu country which is highly patriarchal (check out the Manusmriti regarding this). For lack of space, I would suggest the readers to find out on their own the situation of a woman in a Hindu society, just look for dowry related deaths, condition of widows, and importance of girl child. Even if a couple stays married, it does not mean the family is not broken. So, what do we do now? Patrilineal customs, Hindu or Christian have inbuilt logic in them which ultimately leads to broken families, single parenthood, and violence against women. A logical answer would be to abandon these cultures and accept matrilineal customs in their original form. I don’t know if that is possible, although it would be desirable. Instead, what must happen is that we learn the true cause of broken families and ask ourselves what we can learn from our matrilineal customs so that we can ensure that our coming generations do not suffer from the sins of patrilineal customs. Even if we cannot go back to the original customs, maybe we can go forward with a better understanding of how things can be.
(The views expressed in the article are those of the author and do not reflect in any way his affiliation to any organisation or institution)