By Robert Clements
Sleepless World Leaders..!
World leaders, ladies and gentlemen, have officially stopped sleeping.
Not because of climate change, inflation, unemployment, or even social media trolls. No. Sleep itself has become geo-politically unsafe. Ever since one Latin American leader was escorted from his bed to New York faster than a room service order, bedrooms across the world have been reclassified as high risk zones. The humble pillow is now viewed with suspicion. Mattresses are no longer places of rest but potential launchpads for international embarrassment.
Sleep, therefore, has been postponed until further notice.
In many capitals, emergency protocols have been quietly updated. Bedrooms are no longer sanctuaries. They are liabilities. Curtains are drawn not for privacy but for plausible deniability. Lights are left on not to chase away darkness but to avoid helicopters mistaking the roof for a tennis court.
Some leaders, adopting a practical and forward-looking approach, have moved their sleeping arrangements to the roof. Why complicate matters, they reason, by making soldiers march through corridors and staircases when a rope can be lowered and the leader can be airlifted directly. Efficiency is, after all, the hallmark of good governance.
On several terraces, helpful arrows have been painted pointing towards the ideal lifting spot. A few leaders have thoughtfully marked an X, just like in the movies. Others leave the terrace lights on all night so helicopters do not overshoot. Cooperation, after all, is the cornerstone of diplomacy.
Those who continue to sleep indoors do so fully dressed. Suits. Ties. Shoes. Some even wear their ceremonial jackets to bed. It is not vanity. It is preparedness. One never knows when history will demand a photograph at an ungodly hour. Nobody wants to be remembered as the leader who faced the world in striped pyjamas.
Married leaders have issued firm instructions at home. No casual nightwear. Wives must sleep as though attending an official function. Silk gowns are acceptable. Nighties with cartoon characters are not. Intimacy and romance have been postponed in the interest of national security. Love may be eternal, but extradition moves faster.
Interestingly, many wives have embraced the situation with remarkable foresight. Shopping lists have already been slipped into their husbands’ pockets. Just in case. In case you land in New York, please pick these up from the local Salvation Army or Goodwill store. Winter jackets. Discount shoes. A blender. American chocolates for the grandchildren. Crisis management, after all, begins at home.
Outside bedroom doors and rooftop staircases, polite notices have appeared. Welcome soldiers. Tea or coffee before departure. One particularly thoughtful leader has added biscuits to the menu. Another has included a small note apologising for any inconvenience caused. Manners, even under arrest, must be maintained.
In North Korea and Iran, signs have been pasted on doors saying we actually do not have the bomb. The font is large. The tone is earnest. In some cases, the signs are laminated. Just in case sincerity needs waterproofing.
In India, the signage is more philosophical. A board outside one prominent residence reads there is nothing of value here. It was all fake news. Another simply says please remove shoes before entering. Civilisation must not collapse entirely.
Europe is pretending to be calm. It is not. Every helicopter sound triggers emergency meetings. Leaders sleep lightly, like anxious cats, alert to every noise. Even ambulances now cause diplomatic panic. In some countries, noise cancelling windows have been installed, not to block sound but to block imagination.
Africa, meanwhile, has responded with strategic wisdom born of long experience. Many leaders have stopped sleeping with one wife in one place. Bedrooms rotate. Houses rotate. Sometimes even countries rotate. You cannot be lifted from bed if nobody knows which wife’s bed you are in. It is not chaos. It is decentralisation.
India, as always, brings innovation to the table. One opposition leader keeps a copy of the Constitution permanently in his pocket. If our leader is taken, I might as well be sworn in immediately, he reasons. Efficiency again. Why waste a perfectly good crisis.
Another leader practices his oath of office in front of the mirror every night, just in case. A third has already written his first speech. It begins with dear fellow citizens, I did not expect this responsibility so suddenly.
The irony of it all is delicious. For decades, citizens lost sleep worrying about their leaders. About their decisions, their speeches, their egos, their silence. Now leaders are losing sleep worrying about a knock on the door, or worse, a rope descending silently from the sky.
Power, it seems, has finally discovered insomnia.
The world order, once so confident, now drinks chamomile tea. International summits discuss wellness before warfare. Leaders exchange tips on sleep apps and white noise machines. One even suggested group meditation. It was vetoed.
So if you see a world leader with dark circles under the eyes, or one who seems to have forgotten how to hug, do not ask if they are tired. Ask whether they slept on the roof. Ask whether the sign outside their bedroom was written in correct English. Ask whether their shopping list survived the night.
And above all, ask whether they are pronouncing Donald correctly.
Because in this brave new world, leadership is no longer about vision. It is about staying awake long enough to see where the rope is coming from.
Sleep well, if you can.The leaders certainly cannot…!
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