Pangs of being homosexual

By Eli M

It happened in June, 2009, ( I cannot recall the date) as I was walking home to Mawkhar from Khyndailad. When I reached Mavis Dunn road I saw a band of small kids beating another boy- young as he was, no more than 7, lean and obviously there was something effeminate about him. Being the older one (I was 17) I tried to separate them, because one of the kids was my neighbor and I knew him well. When I enquired from them about the cause, they told me that the other boy is a gay and that he tried to kiss one of his playmates. So they had to beat the faggot. I was appalled at the sheer brutality of these kids. But that incident also acted as a catalyst and fuelled my interest in homosexuality.

Homosexuality is an alternate form of sexuality that has existed and continues to exist in human society, since the beginning of homo sapiens. It involves persons from the same sex engaging in a romantic affair. Most people might consider sexual intercourse as the main criterion for homosexuality but that is not the case. According to a survey in a 2008 poll in Britain, 13% of Brits have had some form of same-sex sexual contact while only 6% of them identified themselves as either gay or bisexual. These demographics can be replicated elsewhere. Hence sexual activity doesn’t have anything to do with sexuality.

The reasons behind homosexuality are not completely known although many scientific and biological medicines proved that it is a combination of biological and environmental factors and the effect of early uterine position of the fetus. Hence the notion that homosexuals choose their lifestyles is entirely wrong and stereotypical. It is not a result of some psychological abnormalities or genetics anomalies but a series of normal circumstances. Hence any therapy to cure homosexuality will prove useless because it is not a disease. It’s like trying to change the sexual orientation of a heterosexual man into being a trans-sexual one. It won’t work because it is not meant to be.

Understanding the process that leads one to be a homosexual is very complex. Most of us think that homosexuality is a choice and that these people are making a wrong choice, or worst, a sinful choice, but that is not the case. Homosexuality is an inborn sexual orientation and hence those people who are gay have no choice but to be what they are meant to be. The only choice they have is whether to come out of the closet or not. And when they do so, they are making a conscious decision of swimming in a sea of sharks. That’s where the problem lies. When I looked at the child who was beaten way back, I see a cruel world out there- a world where the societal norm had to prevailed upon personal life and privacy; where the majority are making decisions over the minorities without giving them a chance to live the choices they are born with. Just because homosexuality seems strange, it doesn’t mean it is immoral, abnormal or degrading. In fact, Plato and Socrates cherished the significance of homosexuality in their life time and reported it as a higher form of sexuality.

I am not advocating homosexuality for all. I am only trying to highlight the facts that are sometimes ignored by most of us just to force upon someone into our own way of life. Homosexuality is like an IQ. Not everyone has an IQ higher than 150. But no one is going to brand a person with high IQ as abnormal or immoral. In fact, he is perfectly natural. Homosexuality is like that. It is rare but natural and normal. It is not a choice, for no one will want to make a choice that would land him into the gaping mouth of a shark. It is a sublime yearning of a body to be true to itself.

I met a friend a few days ago and he told me many wonderful stories about his life outside the state. He told of the wonderful people he met- but all of them turned their back on him when they knew that he was a gay. “Sometimes, they make me feel as if I have committed the biggest crime of my life. Sometimes they make me suffer for just being myself. And when I look at them, I feel that I have been born at the wrong time. What choice do I have? It is not that I made a decision for myself – I was born this way and I have to be like this. It is not a choice. You cannot tell a black guy to be white. It is the same with us. Sometimes, we tell the whole world that we choose for our selves, that we have the right to choose which gender we want to be. But the reality is – we use those words simply as some kind of condolences and hopes. We hope people would understand us better if we tell them that we are born normal just like everyone and it just that we have made a conscious decision with our sexuality and in the process we ourselves become homophobes of some kind.”

I looked at him and wept inside for I felt the deep anguish that plagues his life- his fear of being accepted in his society and his family. “ Maybe a time will come, when people will see you as a human being and judge you by your accomplishment; where they will care less for your sexuality,” said I. “ Maybe,” was the reply. That is the only thing he could hope for. His endeavour to find acceptance within the society forced him to say words that were not proper. He doesn’t have the courage to say that he was born gay because that would have implied abnormality of its own kind and being abnormal is the worst thing that could ever happen to him and he fears it. Hence, he cloaked himself with some kind of shroud available just to hide the real face that he is wearing. I couldn’t help him much and he doesn’t need me. What he wants from me is to accept him as a normal human being and a very constructive citizen at that. And I do that because who are we to criticize what God has beautified? After all, all humans are His children- black, white, yellow, brown, able, disabled, straight or gay.

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