By Fabian Lyngdoh
The reality of the Khasi kur (clan) in the context that it was understood in the past now exists only in imagination and in name only. It has no more concrete form and organization, and it has lost its institutional character. The matrilineal kur system is crumbling though there are those who may think that it is still safe and sound. It has no more solid ground to stand on now except on the sentimental memory of the glory of the past and the honour of the dead.
Social circumstances today have changed. The whole concept and responsibility of maintaining the kur is now falling on the shoulders of the woman alone. The children born by her should bear the name of her kur and she and her children should always keep in mind the honour and dignity of the kur which now exists only in an idea and a name. She is left alone on her own feet to see to the welfare of her children and her home while she is now denied of the social and economic security that should flow forth from the kur. Maintaining the Khasi society and the Khasi kur culturally and economically has now become a “woman’s burden”. A Khasi woman today derives no tangible benefit by bearing a clan name other than her own pleasure and she would lose nothing but the prick of her own conscience by being ostracised from the kur. Any Khasi woman today would have been living the same conditions of life by taking any kur name. Bearing a kur name for the Khasis today has become man’s intellectual and sentimental refuge, while for the woman it is a social and economic burden. It is man’s pride and not a woman’s wish which keeps matriliny lingering in the Khasi society today. It has become man’s imposition upon his sisters and nieces because without that concept of kur (however empty it might have become), a Khasi man deeply feels mentally and sentimentally insecure. It is the last refuge for his sense of honour and dignity. In general, every Khasi man finds comfort in mentally clinging to the idea of his honourable status as ‘u kni’ in his kur and as ‘u kpa’ in his wife’s household, even if that has a reality only in his fond memory of the past and imagination of the present and future.
Men may believe that they stand honourably on the platform of the kur on one hand and on the platform of their wives’ home on the other. The reality is that these two platforms lost their connecting link and began to drift further and further apart. Ultimately on which platform would a Khasi man keep both his legs to avoid falling between the cracks. Popular songs and literature expressing male sentiment in the Khasi society today generally express this attitude of perplexity and perdition. Putting together the popular Khasi poems and songs reflecting male sentiments would have produced the greatest book of lamentation on earth.
The Khasi male is in confusion of status and role in the family. He is relieved from the official responsibility ensure the honour, dignity and security of his mother, sisters, nieces and nephews socially and economically, while at the same time he is left to his own sweet will whether or not to take full responsibility towards the welfare and security of his wife and children. So he is culturally and legally without a duty to the welfare of children and without a duty to the welfare of his sisters and nieces. This is the main factor why Khasi husbands today are generally said to be having no sense of responsibility.
The Khasi families today depend not on the traditional position or status of the kur but on the financial capacity of the fathers. If the father happens to be a big businessman or a high official the family would automatically be well-off even if the mother happens to be empty handed or jobless. If the father happens to be a daily wage labourer that family would be poor regardless of the previous economic status of the kur. If the father happens to be a drunkard and a swindler that family is doomed to ruin. So the khasi family today depends heavily on the status of the father. It is the father who bears the brunt of the economic burden and the fate of the family depends on his character. Generally, the father today has replaced the kur as the provider, protector and the fountain of social and economic security of the family. He is in the process of learning to assume the role of a producer, provider and protector of the nuclear family of ‘husband-wife-children’. But the Khasi father even today has no socially or legally imposed responsibility to see to the maintenance of the children. He is not traditionally prohibited to leave his wife and children even if they have nothing to eat because it was expected that if the father leaves, the kur would take over the responsibility. In spite of weak parental instinct as a male, the Khasi father is also culturally and legally free from the responsibility of maintenance of his children. In the past and up to the present, there is no mechanism or institution by which social sanction can be imposed upon a man not to leave his wife and children.
By nature the female is deeply attached to her off-springs, while it is not so with the male. Anthropologists say that “in the reproductive groups of monkeys and apes the male parent is held in the group not by any interest in the off-springs but by his interest in the female. Among human beings a bond is created between the father and his children by a complex set of folkways, mores and law”. Among the Khasis there was a complex set of folkways, mores and law to create a bond between a man and his mother, sisters, nieces and nephews, but there were no such strong mechanisms to bind him to his children. The woman by instinct would never leave her children and it is not necessary to give her lineage so that she would remain with them. The matrilineal system is in line with instincts while the patrilineal system on the other hand is not natural or instinctive but based on rationality as required for the cohesion and order of the family. Therefore, patrilineal system is a social invention to impose upon man the responsibility to stay with the children and see to their maintenance and wellbeing. It is not a male’s privilege but a socially imposed responsibility as he has stronger muscles to battle the odds of survival, as the matrilineal system has imposed on the Khasi woman the ultimate responsibility to feed the children.
Hence for the wellbeing of the women folk and for the cohesion of the family and the honour and dignity of the tribe, a gradual switch over to the patrilineal system with the ultimate responsibility on man as the father has become a necessity. Patriarchy as male authority is obsolete, but patriliny as male responsibility is required. The family would be united by the mother’s natural instinct and the father’s socially imposed responsibility. The movement of the Syngkhong Rympei Thymmai (SRT) is to be encouraged. For the time being, freedom should be given to the people to remain with the matrilineal system or to adopt the patrilineal system. However, no law should be enacted to abolish matriliny. It is said, “Don’t throw away the dirty water until you have the clean one.” Legal enactment to effect abrupt systemic change is possible only when the consciousness of the community towards such changes is fully ripe. And, no law should be enacted to derecognise the Khasis who adopt the patrilineal system. We should allow the society to undergo necessary social changes in its own way. Blocking the natural process of social change by legal means is detrimental to the health of the society. Situations prevalent in the society today and in the days to come would compel all Khasi fathers to assume responsibility if the society is to survive the onslaught of change. A rethinking is necessary to disentangle the tribe from the chaotic cross-road so that it may soar ahead healthy and strong on the wings of time.