By Paramjit Bakhshi
Patricia Mukhim’s recent article about the state of our democracy (Sept 19th) had me really worried, for a few moments. Then I realised that my concern (and by extension hers) was unfounded. We in Meghalaya do not live in a democracy, but are privileged members of an aristocratic society. We have so many lords here, that we could put the British aristocracy to shame. Look around with a little bit of insight, and you will find them, literally crawling out of the woods and the concrete.
The first member of the aristocracy, one encounters outside our homes, is the local cabby. Even though you are the paying customer, it is his pleasure that you have to bow to, and whereas it should be the other way around, it is you who asks his lordship where he is going. And what a whimsical lord the cabby is -if want to go to Malki, he will wish that you were headed for PB, via lower Lachumiere. And should you joyfully want to visit Happy Valley, it is most likely that he will be heading for Rynjah. Perchance if you find one, heading in the same direction, it is hardly an occasion to feel nice. The lordly driver will pack you in, tighter than a can of sardines, in his cab or can or whatever. And God help you, if you are of the fairer sex, because some fishy character, is going to end up sitting on your lap, or you on his, and his body odour will battle it out with your deodorant for supremacy. His Lordship will also want you to dole out the exact change, because he does not concern himself, with such trifles.
If the beginning of the day doesn’t convince you, about the rampancy of nobility here, rest assured you will encounter ample proof, as the day progresses. The fastest way to get it is to go visit a government office. Most times the lord you have come to give your salaam to, is, as befitting his stature, either unavailable (being on paid leave or a foreign jaunt), or sitting with other lords in a meeting (actually having tea and sharing gossip) or having lunch. Should you get lucky (or unlucky depending upon your viewpoint)), and chance to meet your public servant (hehe), he will invariably advise you to seek his audience, either tomorrow or next week, or next year. Until he makes you eat humble pie (and perhaps share a bit of it with him) it is rare that you will accomplish much of your work.
Yet our lords do not run only the government. Inexplicably, there are many such honourable aristocrats which stop it from functioning all together. They band together under the category of NGO’s and militants (with varied acronyms), and they all use the same magic word, to halt or defer your weddings, shopping, partying and of course work. The word they utter towards this end is not “abracadabra”, but “bandh”. And believe me that such is the power of this word, that it can make you and everybody else lose any enthusiasm for life, that you may still have left. A pundit, (one of the lords of the religious variety about whom we shall shortly discuss), once told me that in the entire scriptures of this holy land, there couldn’t be a mantra stronger than this one. It stops trains, buses, airplanes, factories, not to mention us frail and very mortal beings. One has to be careful of the lords of this type, because if you dare defy their diktat, they can get real nasty and then no lord can help you – not even the ones who go around wearing khaki attire.
Of course the ones wearing khaki regalia (though occasionally dressed in black, blue or in camouflage) are the legally recognised lords whose writ runs on every road every single day 24×7. These lords need not even speak. They just raise the hands and you stop, they raise their sticks and you cower, and when they point their magic wands (also called AK 47 and 56) at you will be lucky not to have a heart attack. They are the uniformed nobility, who make you see stars, of which they have plenty often adorning not just their shoulders but also their cars. They also have interesting designations such as DIG, IG, but just when you think you will finally come across a PIG (Principal Inspector General) you bump into an unexpected mob of boring ADGs and DGs. They are fairly good at law and order, now bad at anti insurgency but excellent at clearing traffic jams for themselves and for political lords.
Our political lords of course come nearly at the top of the heap, and though they might be absent from their offices you cannot avoid bumping into them at weddings, funerals, birthdays, seminars, functions, pre election rallies and on flights. They are easy to recognise because in any gathering it is normally their voice, which is the loudest and they never tire of talking about themselves. If you have to learn something, then this is the aristocracy you must emulate, for it will teach you to rise to the highest positions in the land, with the minimum qualifications and least amount of productive work. Words of caution though, please don’t be inspired by them to get undeserved doctorates, because yours is likely to take the university down with you.
In terms of true magical prowess though, at the very top, are the lords of the religious variety. You can spot them in their monochromatic robes, going about endlessly on God’s work, often at the expense of ignoring immediate human misery. Though they have spiritual leanings, their organisations mysteriously accumulate great material wealth. Their mastery lies in seamlessly integrating opposites: humility with pride, renunciation with materialism, virtue with vice, simplicity with pomp, love with divisiveness, ritual with prayer, spirit with flesh and politics with altruism. They have the power to bring, the greatest to their knees, and though regimes and government and monarchies may be toppled, their organisations last millenniums. Just in case you do not visit government offices, do not belong to a NGO or a militant outfit, never break the law or go for religious functions and have your own transportation, in short if you happen to be regular Joe, please do not be disheartened that you have never had the occasion to rub shoulders with nobility. Rest assured that you have.
For there is a new breed of nobles that is ever present and every Jack and Jill, living on this hill, would have met one. These are the lords of everyday technology and we have no options but to abide their presence. When your TV gets bad you will meet one, when the plumbing in your house breaks down you will meet another, you have a short circuit and there will be another one, and should something go wrong with your vital and not so vital organs you will meet yet another. These lords have two distinguishing traits. First is that they will make you wait endlessly to come to your aid and the second is that you just can’t bargain with them because they will throw such confusing technological terms at you that you become dumbfounded. Whether it is a motherboard, or a float, a MCB, or a stent that is malfunctioning we have no way of knowing and can only hope that the lord is truthful, just and kind and that somehow he is letting us, get away lightly.
In fact the local lords are too numerous to mention. Today there are coal barons, liquor barons, kings of rock, pop of pop, amongst others. In fact I would be shocked if you and I also did not have some blue blood flowing in our veins
There is such nobility here. The only thing lacking, in our lords, with rare exception, is the noblesse oblige. Still this is my hooray, to the lords of the Scotland of the East.
The writer can be contacted at [email protected]