By Fabian Lyngdoh
The concept of ‘broken families,’ which exists in the mind, and the prevalence of high percentage of single mother households which exists objectively in fact, appear to be the greatest socio-cultural problems that the Khasi society is facing today. Though fragmentary aspects of this socio-cultural riddle had been presented in my past articles, Bhogtoram Mawroh’s article, “Broken families: Unveiling the role of patrilineal and matrilineal systems” (The Shillong Times – 20/11/2024), urges me to present the skeleton of this problem in a more coherent manner.
According to Khasi tradition, the social identities of individuals are subsumed in the identity of the clan (kur) to which they belong. The basic unit of the clan is the family of a woman and her children, with supporting and protecting maternal uncles. Men as maternal uncles were the builders of the clan economy, and the father’s physical presence or absence had nothing to do with the cultural legitimacy, legality, honour, security, and social interactions of the family.
Husband and wife in the modern-day nuclear family stand as coordinating opposite sexes and genders. But in the Khasi traditional family, the status of a Khasi man as husband, and the status of a Khasi woman as wife, had little significance. In the Khasi traditional family, a man as maternal uncle, and a woman as mother, do not stand as persons of opposite sexes or genders. If the clan is an atom, then the mother and all female members are the nucleus, and the maternal uncles and all male members are the revolving electrons. The symbolism of this ideal can be seen in the Khasi cultural dances. So, men and women are closely bonded together in the clan organism. Their roles are not based on male and female as coordinating opposites, but on the distinctive roles they played in the life of the clan as complementary and harmonious elements. However, there is a riddle! A man’s social status is ultimately based on his female clan members. Even if a man has numerous brothers, but has no surviving female clan members to advocate for, he ceases to be a full-fledged citizen; he loses social recognition, and no longer has any organic role or ceremony to perform in the Raid or the Hima however intelligent, wise or rich he might be.
A full-fledged basic Khasi community was composed of several clans (not less than three). These clans entered into marriage transactions as a way of multi-angular gift or exchange of the male procreative faculty between them, rather than the concept of the exchange of females as in other societies. Khasi traditional marriage was a mutual recognition of the two respective clans to the reproductive relationship of a man and a woman, not merely for their personal pleasure or private relationship, but for establishing kin relationship between the clans through the birth of children. At the personal level, marriage was not a covenant at all, but only a cohabitation which can come to be, and end, at any time. But by the birth of children, an indissoluble social and spiritual covenant between the two clans was established which shall persist perpetually even after the death of both husband and wife.
As Bhogtoram Mawroh has rightly pointed out, the original marital customs of the Khasis were like the concept of ‘walking marriage’ or ‘the visiting husband’, where the husband only visited the wife at night for the basic purpose intended, and returned to his maternal home at daybreak. That was the original custom not only that of the Synteng or Pnar as generally opined, but of the whole tribe. The fact is that, all the clans in the Khasi Hills (Khynriam) other than those that originated from non-Khasi mothers in the Khynriam area itself, were groups of migrants from the east; that is, from the region which today is called Jaintia Hills, and Ri Bhoi. As the various migratory hordes proceeded further into the upper hills towards the west, the original tradition got diluted and modified in various degrees through generations. But the core of tradition remains.
Polygamy was not prevalent in Khasi society, but serial monogamy is permitted among the Khasis even today. A man or woman may take several spouses one after another, but not all at the same time. Every time a man or woman took a spouse with due recognition of the clans involved, whether it was the first, second, or third spouse, it was socially recognised as legitimate spouse, and children from all the spouses were recognised as legitimate children of the man or woman. All the woman’s husbands or man’s wives were equal in status, and all children were legitimate members of the wives’ clan. Elements of this tradition are still alive even today. If there is a narrative contrary to that, it must be a new invention.
The concept of single motherhood did not exist in Khasi tradition. The idea of single motherhood in Khasi society today, comes from the superimposition of the modern nuclear-family context, over the traditional clan (kur)-family context. In the past, when maternal uncles were constantly in the family to see to the socio-economic welfare of the clan, the prevalence of mothers without husbands was a perfectly normal phenomenon. The maintenance and security of the clanswomen and their children was the responsibility of the whole clan under the leadership of maternal uncles. On the other hand, even if a woman has a husband, there was a concept of ‘sah kynthei khynnah’, referring to a deplorable situation of woman who has no more clansmen to look after her and her children.
Social circumstances have changed. The clan ceased to be a social institution as it has become only an idea and a name for personal identity and proximate familial relationships. The nuclear family has emerged to perform the role of the clan. The nuclear family is not traditional as it is not based on the father’s clan, or the mother’s clan, but on the father, mother, and children, as individuals. Subsequently, a new narrative emerged saying that according to the Khasi tradition, the father is the head and the mother is the heart of the family. This is a new concept derived from other sources, and not from Khasi tradition. Traditionally, there was a strong social sanction against any man who leaves his clan (mother, sisters, nieces). The religious death rituals of such a man would not be performed by his clan, and it was believed that his soul would not enter into the peaceful spiritual abode; but he would linger as a ghost in painful sorrow and remorse forever on the earth. On the other hand, there was no traditional social sanction against a man who leaves his wife and children! But today, a Khasi father is being interpreted as the head of family, and expected to see to the family’s economic and social well-being. But this expectation is still arbitrary and circumstantially imposed because it has neither been culturally institutionalized, nor legally sanctioned. Many Khasi men today do take full responsibility for their wives and children. But this comes from individual conscience instilled by new normative agents, and not from Khasi tradition. Khasi society today is under a painful cultural transition where women are thrown miserably in its course. As the traditional matrilineal system has almost totally vanished, and the father’s role as head and provider of a nuclear family is yet to be culturally institutionalized, a great number of Khasi families became disoriented. In this situation, if the father leaves the family, the burden falls on the shoulders of the woman, especially among the poor. That’s how single motherhood emerged and becomes a curse! Culturally speaking, this misery is not due to the breakdown of the nuclear family which is still in the process of evolution; but it is due to the breakdown of the traditional matrilineal clan system. It is not because the husband deserted his wife and children, but because due to vicissitude of history, Khasi men have to leave their clans and strive to become integrated as fathers in the nuclear families of their wives. That is the riddle! A Khasi man today is culturally and legally without a bounden duty towards the welfare of his children, and without a bounden duty towards the welfare of his sisters and nieces. Though he is conscientiously bound, he is practically free! Social problems cannot be solved by inventing new narrative of traditions, but they have to be stricken at the roots.
Though drastic changes have taken place, remnants of traditions still linger, dictating and controlling the minds of people. There is a lingering perception of security in the traditional clan system. With the emergence of single motherhood, landlessness, orphans and homeless, and the wide gap between the rich and the poor, the Khasi society is no longer a clan-based tribal society. Modern attempts to constitute ‘seng-kur’ (clan association) is a new phenomenon which might deliver some service, but it would not be able to replicate the traditional matrilineal clan institution. It can only operate as a welfare or charitable social organisation, but it cannot be a statutory institution. The society has to undergo gradual process of cultural transformation to overhaul collective consciousness and rearrange cultural priorities according to the present circumstances. We cannot blame the matrilineal loopholes, or patriarchal incursion, or Christian influence. It is an unavoidable part of human history that none can escape. As the Khasi man has been circumstantially relieved of his responsibility towards the clan, he has to learn to assume the role of a responsible father, and the woman too has to learn to re-look into clan priorities and adjust herself with the hard facts of the nuclear family. There is no possibility for turning back; if the Khasi society has to survive and prosper, it has to rediscover itself not on the clan-based tribal society, but to begin riding and moving forward on the vehicles of the nuclear family.